I was driving past my old mate at Kawana Hardware’s joint the other day. You know, the guy who puts the bizarre signs out on the side of the road every morning.

Well, this time his message hit a nerve. It said: “Don’t use the good scissors”.

At first I was wondering what his twisted mind was getting at but then it hit me – that is something Mum used to say.

I guess it makes you wonder what the good scissors are actually for, but as a kid I was probably never game to ask, and as an adult it is not worth the argument.

Now that message activated something in my bizarre brain and I couldn’t stop thinking about if for days. It reminded me of things that people said to me over the years that actually stuck in my head – some quite annoying in fact.

For instance, many years ago when I was playing football, a former opponent, Paul Boyce, told me to never ever use aftershave.

When I inquired why not, he told me that not only does it sting when it is applied, it also braces the skin, which at the end of the day gives you wrinkles around the eyes.

He recommended to use cream only, not aftershave. Now every time I look in the mirror to splash on aftershave, I look at all my wrinkles and think of Paul Boyce, every bloody day.

I don’t even know if it’s true, because I think he sells concrete pipes, not skin products, but I wish I had listened to him.

Then there was Brett Officer, golfer, commentator and expert in everything in life.

Years ago we spent a bit of time together and there were two things he told me that unfortunately have stuck forever.

First, he asked me one day how I watered the yard – by hose or sprinkler.
I proudly told him that I used the hose and loved it, found it enormously relaxing.

He replied that because of my weird personality, when I watered I would be the type of bloke who flicked the hose from side to side, thinking that the quicker I did it the better it worked.

He said that was completely the wrong way to do it and the correct way to water was slowly, doing one section at a time. So, of course, every time I water something I think of him.

I am still flicking, of course.

The same bloke also said to me one day when we were playing golf that instead of saying “oh no” every time I hit a bad shot, sounding surprised, it would make more sense to say “you beauty” when I hit a good shot, as I would be a whole lot quieter to play golf with.

So, of course, every time I play golf I think of Brett as well.

I am sure everyone has little demons in their head, like the scissors or the don’t use the good broom, mop etc, but something that springs to mind more often than not with me came from someone I never met.

Every time I say hello to someone and they ignore me, I think of AFL legend Ted Whitten, who said when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame: “It’s nice to be important but much more important to be nice.”

Now I think of Ted a fair bit, because a lot of people ignore me!

I read about a new invention that is being trialled in the States at the moment – a shopping trolley that talks to the shopper.

Apparently it is planned to use it in the fight against obesity. Every time you put something in the trolley there is a speaker on it that tells the shopper how many calories are in that particular product.

Imagine my trolley as it takes it usual automatic turn down the chip aisle at the supermarket. It would probably say: “Ease up on the calories, Porky, aren’t there any mirrors in your joint?”

What a great idea, I reckon they should take it to another level. When you put your product in the trolley, it could tell you whether it was Australian made or, if it is produce, how much the farmer got paid or how long it had been in the cold room.

Not likely. They will probably just stick to protecting the fat people.