Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?

Now that was the title of an e-mail I received the other day, and of course it achieved what it was designed for, it got my instant attention.

It was followed by an email from a young lady that I know: “Am wondering if I could pick your brains for a story I’m doing? It’s about put-downs, and it’s to do with a book called Uglier Than a Monkey’s Armpit, which is about put-downs from around the world. I’m wondering if you know any good put-downs, or alternatively, any smart-arses with sharp tongues that could probably come up with a few.”

To give me an idea she sent some excerpts from the book: eg Like a fart in a Trance (Glaswegian/Scottish English). This Glaswegian expression is used for a dreamy person who always seems at a loss as to what to do.

Or some German insults: “Die hat einen Arsch wie ein Brauereigaul” or (dee haht eye-nuhn ARSH vee eyne brow-r-EYE-gowl) – “She has an arse like a brewer’s dray.”

Another from the Germans: “Den wurde ich nicht mit dem Arsch angucken” or “I wouldn’t look at him with my arse.”

Then there was the Finnish: “Tukka ja jarki eivat pysy samassa paassa” which means, “Hair and the ability to think won’t grow on the same head.” It may sound nasty but it is often used in a positive way: “You may be bald, but at least you’re smart.”

My first impression was why would she be asking me? But as I happen to see a reflection of myself I was quickly reminded.

In fact most of those insults could have been aimed at me.

I have been the target of the quick-witted and the not-so-clever as well, most of which have found their way into this column.

Things like, “Do you want a hand with that?”, as I walked past a bloke with nothing in my hands replying, “What are you on about?’’

“That pane of glass you’re carrying,” as he referred to my pushed-in face as if it was pressed up against the glass!

Or the old but good, “Only a face a mother could love” or “Ashley was so ugly when he was a kid that his mother had to tie pork chops around his neck just so the dog would play with him.”

Or “his ears are that big he looks like a VW with the doors open.”
I have also been described as, “He thinks and moves about as fast as cold treacle.”

But enough of insults. If I was going to write a book it would probably be about larrikins I have met, with the following remaining nameless.

Like a football trip to the Gold Coast when all the sensible guys, me included, were sitting having breakfast early on the first morning away when one of the touring party walked past dressed only in footy shorts, barefoot, bag in hand and asking for 20 cent pieces.

When asked where he was going, he replied, “To the laundry to wash my clothes”.

This seemed a little strange until he told us that he had came home late, walked in his sleep and thought his cupboard was the bathroom.

On the same trip (and now kids don’t try this at home), there was a bloke who always wanted to be a bus driver. When a council bus driver left the wheel old mate did a Keanu Reeves and drove it to the next stop at about 10km and hour with the driver jogging along behind trying to get on.

All the way the ‘hijacker’ was asking him for his ticket. Thankfully it all ended without a serious incident.

Or the fellow I used to work for whose favourite party trick at the end of the night was to send a new employee into his office to get something, telling them it was important. They would head off all keen until they entered the pitch black office to find a doberman waiting.

Or when I played footy in Longreach and one of the supporters got banned for life from the RSL because he stood on a table and played the last post with his trumpet after the Thompson Tigers were beaten in the grand final.

Looking back, maybe my book would be titled No One Said We Were Smart?