The Logies turn 50 this year.

It’s a very apt age for an awards show that consistently turns up at the party looking like mutton dressed as lamb; or an elephant dressed as a herd of zebras, a la Logies fashion criminal Susie Elelman on the red carpet back in 1995.

The Logies are like the hairy-chinned spinster aunt no one in the family really talks about, who rocks up to family reunions dressed like a librarian, sipping on a Pimms and generally embarrassing everyone with her weird dagginess.

Yes, daggy, even in a year when the high-waisted pant has somehow astonishingly returned to fashion.

Australian television’s night of nights, so they call it. The Gold Logie – the most coveted prize in the industry, so they say. Much hype and buzz surrounds speculation on what the stars will wear this year, apparently.

What a load of old rot.

But it wasn’t always this way.

Once upon a time, the winners of the best new talent category were actually able to leverage a decent career off their win (Paul Hogan – 1973, Gary Sweet – 1982, Jason Donovan – 1987, Lisa McCune – 1995 and Jamie Durie – 2001.)

Nowadays, criteria for victory in this category is a total of at least three (3) posters in TV Week for the calendar year preceding the awards ceremony, age strictly below 21, perfect teeth/hair and the signing of a contract that states no one will remember your name and/or the fact that you won this award within 12 months of Logie collection.

Once upon a time, the overseas special guests were actually A-class, for their time (John Wayne, Roger Moore, Robin Williams, Muhammad Ali, Mickey Rooney).

Nowadays, they are almost always still obviously “jet-lagged”, because they either drank too much on the plane to make the 24-hour flight go quicker or because they drank too much in the green room in a desperate attempt to dull the pain of not knowing where the hell they were.

We try and tell them, out of the corner of our mouths because we don’t really believe it, that the Logies are our equivalent of the Emmys. What a crock.

Very few of these Yank celebs have ever heard of a Logie. That is either indicative of the arrogant dumbness of Americans (very possible), or proof of the fact that no one cares what the Logies are.

I’ll tell you what they are.

An irrelevant, out-dated and pathetic excuse for a piss-up, some back-slapping and ego-massaging. They are not taken seriously by the viewing public, not even deemed worthy of a regular host and have lost what little prestige they once had.

Let me issue a call to someone, anyone, out there and let’s give that hairy-chinned aunt a makeover she will never forget. It’s crisis time, people. A mid-life crisis. And it’s time we staged an intervention.

Let’s start an organisation made up of respected television professionals – actors, crew, writers, producers, props buyers, agents, makeup artists – ANYONE! Let’s call it the Australian Consolidated Television Association – ACTA, get it?

You will be the Logies’ overseeing body, which will then accept members, capped at a number of say 2000, who will take care of the voting.

The public must not be forgotten. They will be required to come up with their favourite stars and shows for a short-list that will form the basis of ACTA’s final deliberations. They will also be able to vote for a section of popular awards, which must be marketed as being just as important as the critical ones.

And TV Week, I’m sorry, I love you, but the fact that you administer these awards is a glaring conflict of interest (you are an Australian Consolidated Press magazine, a member of the PBL group, which owns Channel Nine). Just report on the winners and give me the funny tales of drunken larrikinism from the after parties, that’s all.

The format I boldly propose, taking its leave unashamedly from the Oscars and the Emmys, would automatically lift the Logies’ prestige, increase the satisfaction of the winners, give the industry something to strive for and keep the viewers actively involved and excited about the medium.

— REBECCA MARSHALL

The Logies screen on WIN on May 4. Click here to see the full list of nominees, which includes the Coast’s own Bindi Irwin in the Most Popular New Female Talent category.

Who’s your tip to win this year’s Gold Logie? Why should have been nominated that wasn’t – or was and shouldn’t have been?