I could feel the heat rising on the back of my neck.

Furious, I began to shovel one Weight Watchers biscuit after another into my mouth as I listened to her story.

My friend Toni had just started seeing a bloke named James and he seemed to have no appreciation for what a great girl she was.

I had only known Toni for a couple of weeks, but I knew she deserved better.

Yes, Toni had a large beak nose, a questionable love of tartan shirts and an even more questionable 80s fringe, but she was still worthy of respect.

She had gone to stay at James’ farm in Deniliquin and he didn’t even seem to notice she was there.

On one particular day he had invited all his bogan mates around for a barbecue and then promptly disappeared for hours.

He left Toni to do all the cooking and when he arrived back at the farm he didn’t even bother to tell her he was there – he just started drinking with his mates.

Unbelievable.

Understandably, when James finally went looking for Toni, she was a little peeved.

“Cherie and I are a prize too you know,” she told James.

I gave a firm nod at the television screen.

“You tell him Toni!” I said, and shoved another biscuit in my mouth.

I was watching Farmer Wants a Wife and I was a little bit behind in the plot after disaster had struck the Thursday before.

“What are you up to tonight Blythe?” one of my colleagues had asked.

“I think I’m just going to go home, curl up on the couch and watch Farmer Wants a Wife,” I replied.

She shook her head.

“It’s not on tonight.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

After consulting the television guide (“fine, I’ll humour you, let’s look at the guide”, my colleague had said), I realised she was right.

Farmer Wants a Wife is on every Monday night, not every Thursday night.

You’d think since it’s my latest television obsession I could at least get the night right.

The way I feel about this show is the way I felt about Big Brother – The Early Years (back in the era of the dancing doona, Gemma’s lip-gloss, and the man love between Ben and Blair).

After Big Brother’s slow and painful demise during the past few years (may it rest in peace – take note Channel Nine), I never thought I could have such strong feelings for a reality television program again.

I was wrong.

Farmer Wants a Wife has everything I could ever want in a reality show and more.

It has:
People falling over in cow dung;

Women fighting over a man but pretending to be friends;

Men being dopey;

And in some cases, really, really dopey.

Take Farmer Nick for example (allegedly one of the brighter crayons in this box of farmers).

He received hundreds of letters from women who wanted to meet him as part of the show.

But when it came to choosing his top five women out of alllllll the letters he received, do you know who he chose?

A porn star with a boyfriend.

Sure, I fully support a woman’s right to do whatever she wants with her body, but this winemaking farmer is supposedly looking for someone he can have a real connection with.

Not simply someone who makes him a little hot under the collar.

Speaking of hot under the collar, you’re probably wondering what happened with my friend Toni and her man James.

Well, it seems 36-year-old James decided the gentlemanly thing to do was to tell a magazine that 36-year-old Toni was nothing more than an “ageing body clock”.

“I’m really looking for someone a bit younger.”

It looks like I’m not the only one who’s going to be sitting by myself on the couch next Monday night.

- BLYTHE SEINOR