Switch off, depressives, the fear-o-meter is going off!

I am afraid, people. Very afraid. And you should be too. Shaking in your boots. The TV says so.

If you ever needed a doom and gloom reminder that the end is nigh, the bell is soon to toll and our collective number may be up, turn on the television this summer.

Have you noticed how overrun we are right now with shows that are filled with horrifying, supposed real-life disasters, near-deaths, medical procedures, alien invasions, illegal alien invasions, home invasions, hoons, fires, seafaring idiots and animal accidents?

You know the shows I mean ... they carry promos voiced by the same, bloody scary man, whose breathy, sinister grumbles have me changing channels quicker than Top Gear’s The Stig in a Lotus Elise.

What fun it is to channel surf – something that’s happening a lot lately – and witness a man’s arm being gnawed off by an out-of-control circus lion or a fool barrelling down a mountain on a bicycle or an Asian tourist rescued by lifeguards or a woman’s home devoured by flames.

Fear, gasp, horror, shock.

Let’s see if I can illustrate my point with some examples from this week’s TV guide.

SUNDAY

Channel Seven: Killer Wave (8.30pm) - Movie about a scientist who believes tsunamis are man-made.

SBS: We Are The Aliens (8.30pm) - Meet the scientists who are exploring the idea that extra-terrestrial micro-organisms are responsible for life originating on Earth.

MONDAY

Channel Seven: Borderline (7.30pm) - Follow New Zealand’s immigration officers as they battle to protect their borders. Coastwatch (8pm) - Authorities carry out surveillance on suspected paua poachers. (Why are all these shows from New Zealand? If the crime rate’s that high, it’s no wonder Kiwis in their droves are fleeing the Land of the Long White Cloud.)

Channel Nine: Inferno 999 (7.30pm) - Follows the work of the Greater Manchester fire and rescue service, Deadly Surf (8pm) - Large waves and strong currents create havoc on the beach.

TUESDAY

Channel Seven: Medical Emergency (7.30pm) - A young man is the victim of assault with a plank of wood. Most Daring (8pm) - Civilians and law enforcement officers are featured in risky rescue missions.

Channel Nine: Police Ten 7 (7.30pm) - Reality show trailing police callouts. In The Line of Fire (8pm) - Lightning strikes in tinder-dry country around Canberra.
SBS: Strange Days on Planet Earth (8.35pm) - Scientists endeavour to answer questions about how a one-degree rise in average temperature would have a profound effect on our environment.

WEDNESDAY

Channel Seven: Air Crash Investigations: Out of Control (7.30pm) - Japan Airlines flight 123 crashed into a mountain killing all but four people.

Channel Ten: A Survivor’s Guide to Plane Crashes (8.30pm) - Experts speak out about what can be done to increase the chances of surviving a plane crash.

THURSDAY

Channel Ten: Two And A Half Men (8.30pm) - Sorry, but this show strikes the greatest fear in me ... it’s a very real fear that crap like this can be legitimately financed, written, cast, produced and aired, as well as the fact that it reinforces the shameful and bone-chilling reality that Charlie Sheen is still working.

Hmmm, just a few examples there. It’s enough to make you stock up on the baked beans, candles and toilet paper while building an underground shelter, Glad-wrapping the entire house, nailing all the windows and doors shut and vowing to never: fly in a plane, ride in a boat, get a Visa, travel overseas, light a match, swim in the ocean, use any electricity or breathe.

It is truly a phobiaphobe’s paradise.

God, give me a break. Cricket, re-runs, cricket and re-runs make summer TV schedules damn frightening enough, thank you very much, without this panic-driven, alarm-filled and terror-inducing televisual invasion.

It’s a sad symptom of the fearful world in which we live. A world that, in my opinion, has gone mad, I’m afraid.

— REBECCA MARSHALL