First, let’s begin with some audience participation.

Take both of your hands, clench them into loose fists and place them a few centimeters above your head, as if you are hanging onto an imaginary bar.

Now fully extend the second and third fingers on both hands, as if to effect a V for victory salute or, if you wish to recreate the etiquette shown in no less than 98 per cent of the photos in the albums featuring my family, the much-loved rabbit ears.

Finally, wiggle those two (four) fingers up and down in a jerky motion.

Yes, that’s right, you have one of modern communication’s most annoying quirks right there in your hands – the mimed quotation marks.

Why do I bring this up? Because it seems to be the staple action of wankers and wankers seem to be the staple ingredient of the advertising profession and the advertising profession is the staple ingredient on the Petri dish and under the microscope in the new show The Gruen Transfer (ABC1, Wednesdays, 9pm).

Wil Anderson has found not only some nail polish remover but some shoes as well, firmly putting his bolshie, thong-wearing, Nikko-nailed Glass House days behind him forever … or during business hours at least.

The Gruen Transfer takes its name from Victor Gruen, the clever Austrian chap who invented shopping malls back in the 1960s. The man we have to thank for the wonder and beauty that is Sunshine Plaza and other retail paradises of its ilk.

The transfer of the title refers to a phenomenon of “mass shopper entrapment” whereby certain manipulative techniques are employed by shopping centre designers to entice shoppers to wander aimlessly with glazed eyes and a drastically altered decision-making consciousness.

Supposedly, we become such entranced zombies that our urge to impulse buy jumps markedly. And 'ting ting' go the cash registers.

And, take it from someone who has witnessed first hand the dreamy effects of vanilla-scented air-conditioning in a Hong Kong shopping mall, this is real people. And, no, I don’t know why I bought all those cute fluoro-coloured potato mashers, mobile phone pouches or sunglasses.

The Gruen Transfer TV show is a slick little number that explores the psychology of advertising, but, just like those cocky jocks in advertising land, it’s also arrogant, wanky, smug and a bit hoity toity for my liking.

There’s a panel of industry experts with names like Todd and Darryl, who wear shirts and suits of exceptional quality, belying no doubt the magnificent pay packet they rake in each annum.

Their talk is peppered with phrases like “that really resonates with me” and “you’ve got to ask yourself who your target market is” that does nothing to me except make me want to jump into the screen and stuff their Egyptian cotton shirt in their mouth.

There’s an interesting segment called The Pitch where opposing reps from rival agencies are given a tough brief to sell the previously unsellable via a TV commercial, with the panel deciding the winner.

The first week’s product was whale meat, last week’s was tourism to Baghdad. Tomorrow’s episode will apparently see our intrepid creative types make celibacy sexy.

Yes, there are laughs, but they are too forced and sometimes it feels like an in-joke only industry people would get, smacking as it does of old Thames River rowing chaps slapping each other on the back while quaffing cognac in the boathouse, smoking cigarillos and swapping jibes good-naturedly. Funny to them, maybe, but not us.

And I reckon Wil is an odd choice for this gig.

But its website may just be its one saving grace: www.abc.net.au/gruentransfer

Have some fun creating your own ad or having your say on the best and worst ads.

And, while I’m here, props to Morgan Baker, the 10-year-old who popped up on our screens as Callum in Neighbours this week.

He’s like a modern day Matthew Krok – the fat kid from Hey Dad. He could be the first real actor to set foot on the Neighbours’ set...

Now, I'm off to see if any fool would buy a pink fluoro potato masher on eBay.

- REBECCA MARSHALL