The build-up to the newest incarnation of Gladiators (Channel Seven, Sundays, 6.30pm) was truly hyperlicious.

Teeth, muscles and other, much more private parts of the anatomy were bared in a saturation run of advertisements showing the latest gladiatorial chest-beaters sprinting across rocky terrain and wielding scary styrofoam weapons, while the more meek mere mortals raced desperately after them as Gregorian monks provided the soundtrack for the speccy vision with a chanting crescendo.

Oh yes, I was primed. And then I watched it ... and my little enthusiasm balloon deflated. Quickly.

Tom Williams, who would surely win a Logie for most nasally annoying TV personality if there was one, hosts alongside Zoe Naylor, who has been given the bimbo treatment (curls, sexy eye make-up, short skirts) – or maybe I just notice the transformation more because the last time I saw her she was wearing jeans and a dirty checked shirt on McLeod’s Daughters.

Having watched the two of them together on screen, I fear a pen lid and a pair of barbecue tongs have more personality.

This show was better when it ran between 1995 and 1997 – with Mike Whitney as the entertaining referee. This time around, he is replaced by ex-rugby league ref Bill Harrigan, who sadly looks as though he believes Gladiators is actually a serious competition.

Back in the halcyon Whitney days, the crowd was really involved and part of the action – whether through clever camera work or clever seating arrangements, two things which are lacking in the Gladiator Arena of 2008.

One thing that hasn’t changed is the perceived IQ cut-off point for contestants. Sure, they look good, but do they all have to come in dragging their knuckles along the ground and capable only of emitting monosyllabic grunts when interviewed?

The real stars of the show, though, are the titular characters, of course, and, my, what a ridiculous bunch they are.

My personal favourite is Viper – blue hair, tattoos and the most hilarious “signature move” imitating a snake striking at its prey. I can only hope someone with her skills has been invited to the 2020 summit, just so she can tell Kevin Rudd that he’s been Viperised.

She has watched Zoolander one too many times and has the Blue Steel look down to suit her hair.

There are others with names like Amazon, Thunder, Outlaw, Scar and Destiny. They are full of fake putdowns and other laughable comments when they win or lose, but admittedly they deliver their lines with more conviction than any of the Sea Patrol cast.

There are also old-favourite games like Duel, Gauntlet, Pendulum and Pyramid but they all basically involve massive cushions, padded sticks, head protection, mouth guards and a whole lot of wedgies.

Zooming cutaways to the audience, action replays and breathy interviews with the contestants were all vain attempts at making the show exciting, but none of them quite hit the mark.

A show like this appeals to the lowest common denominator ... fans of WWF will lap it up.

Plus, I became a little disconcerted the more I watched as I realised Gladiators 2008 was a graveyard for ex-Dancing With The Stars performers. Tom Williams, Tatiana Grigorieva and Anthony Koutoufides have all appeared on the dancing show – Tom and Kouta even won it!

Perhaps some other DWTS stars could pop up as guest Gladiators? Let us all just pray that Dawn Fraser, Molly Meldrum and Naomi Robson resist the lure of the lycra. Yeesh!

Meanwhile, a new show I am really looking forward to is Hole In The Wall. Word is Channel Nine is in rehearsals for the Aussie version of the hit Japanese game show and the network is looking for equally mad lycra lovers to snap on a similar suit for the privilege.

Words cannot do it justice, I’ll just give you two: Human Tetris. Check out this clip.

- REBECCA MARSHALL