The sound of Dylan McKay’s motorbike roaring into the carpark at West Beverly High School sent many teenage hearts racing in the early ’90s.

He personified the broody bad boy in leather many young girls dreamed of dating, while his on-again, off-again girlfriend Kelly was the perfect blonde, all-American sweetheart.

Then there were the goody-two-shoes Walsh twins, Brandon and Brenda, and their flawless parents; plastic fantastic Donna (played by Tori Spelling, daughter of uber-director Aaron); goofy Steve, wannabe muso David and reporter-in-training Andrea Zuckerman.

Sure, they were spoiled little rich kids and the 90210 postcode was a million miles from our everyday reality, but still we tuned in every week to watch the dramas unfold.

And now Beverly Hills has returned to the small screen (Mondays, Ten, 8.30pm) – complete with appearances by original cast members Jennie (“Surgery? Who? Me?”) Garth and Shannen (“I am so not a bitch”) Doherty.

All the signs were there that tuning in could be one of the worst mistakes of my viewing life (at the top of that list is the movie version of Lost in Space … Warning, Will Robinson, don’t do it), but still I couldn’t help myself.

Somehow I thought it might make me feel like I was 16 again, but the experience has probably only accelerated the ageing process.

The characters in this new version are so squeaky clean and sickly sweet they make the Brady Bunch look like Hell's Angels.

The show centres on the Dixon clan, who wouldn’t be out of place gracing a poster for the Family First Party.

Mum and Dad (the school principal) are so try-hard hip it hurts – last night they even took their teens ((Annie and Dixon) on a family 10-pin bowling outing (the only type of outing you’re likely to see on this show). And all the kids’ friends turned up, and it was just so fabulous and fun I felt like I’d walked into some World Youth Day-type twilight zone.

Yes, there is some angst in this new version of the show: Kelly is now a school counsellor and single mum (could Dylan be the dad?) and still clashes with her dysfunctional drunk mother; one of the rich girls catches her dad snogging someone other than his wife, and there’s a hint that Brenda may soon indulge in some scheming of a not-very-friendly sort.

But where’s the broody bad boy in leather? When’s the real bitching and back-stabbing going to start? Where’s the drama in this drama?

Maybe next week Annie will take up smoking crack, Dixon will fall in with some homeboys and the principal will start shagging his former lust interest Kelly … but I’ll never know because I’ve already lost three hours of my life that I’ll never get back and, frankly, I’m just too old to still be hanging around West Beverly Hills High.

— SUZANNE KEEN