Religion has a lot to answer for.

Yes I agree, that’s a provocative statement… but if you had been in the car with me the other day, I’m sure you would agree.

I had picked up seven-year-old Poppy and 10-year-old Jackson from school. I don’t know what it is about these two, but they just don’t get on.

They bicker, they squabble, and they constantly argue.

So I knew what was coming when Poppy, obviously fresh from religious instruction turned to Jackson, and said “I bet you don’t know who made the first footprints on the earth when the world was made.”

Now Jackson is an avid documentary watcher, and prides himself on knowing things. “Oh yes I do, it was the dinosaurs,” he said confidently. Poppy immediately folded into a cackling mess.

“Oooooohhhhh no it wasn’t, it was Jesus,” she barked.

Jackson readied his return of serve, “The dinosaurs were before Jesus,” he derided.

Poppy pushed on with, “No it was Jesus”
“Dinosaurs”
“Jesus”
“Dinosaurs”

Poppy moved to close the argument once and for all, “Jesus made the dinosaurs!” Quick as a flash, Jackson returned with “… and who made Jesus?”

Poppy was fast, I’ll give her that, “God did,” she screeched.

Really, said Jackson, “Jesus is God.”

I pulled into McDonalds, for no other reason than to shut them up.

Personally I don’t care who made the first footprint on the earth, I suspect it may have been Ian Skippen.

Airport parking

I was completely unprepared for the new “must pay” parking system at the Maroochy Airport.

I was nervous enough collecting my ticket on the way in, let alone dealing with the technical nightmare on the way out.

Silly me, I should have known something was wrong when I read the sign, “No Amex or Diners”, next to the boom gate.

Like an old fool, I got a $10 note out of my pocket to pay the nice man.
When I pulled up at the exit, there was just a machine.

You pay by credit card. I squinted at the instructions while fumbling for my plastic. I offered up my entry ticket, it snapped it up quicker than a croc at Australia Zoo.

I was unsure of even which way to hold my credit card, let alone put it in the slot.

Let me tell you, the moment it got even close, the machine drew it backwards with such force that I was startled. It returned it to me in a millisecond with the digital readout flashing…$4.00 deducted from account...I never did find the nice man.

One-legged wife

Having taken Kym to Noosa hospital after what was thought to be a broken bone in her foot, I got the worst news after the ultrasound scan and x-ray.

Turns out she’s going to be on the bench and off the paddock for eight weeks.
Oh my God… Darren Lockyer got less for his busted knee. And is she milking it?

I was in the kitchen and my mobile phone rang, it was Kym from the bedroom.

“Could you get me a glass of water please” she whimpered.

“No problem,” I said in a voice reminiscent of John Cleese in Faulty Towers.
I put down the phone and thought to myself,

“How’s a glass of water going to fix your foot, you silly woman?”… Is that so wrong?

Super fit – I don’t think so!

I couldn't believe me eyes, two gym junkies, one male, one female jogging along David Low Way into Coolum.

She was a gorgeous blonde wearing a body-hugging white singlet and extra tight red bike pants with two little white stripes on the side.

I can’t remember what he was wearing. Every muscle on their bodies was completely defined, sinewy legs and arms, tight little butt…on her as well.

The thing that absolutely floored me was that they stopped in front of McDonald’s, she lit up a cigarette and he went in to order.

I might be fat but at least I’m not a hypocrite.