Wouldn’t you think that I’d have some say in where the family holidays, given my misogynistic view that I am the breadwinner and get up at 3.30 every morning to go off for a hard day’s slog sitting down, talking, having to deal with the inevitable interruptions you get in breakfast radio with restaurants regularly bringing in food to sample and winemakers insisting you try that new drop before 10am.

I tell you ... it’s hard. So you can only imagine just how quickly my jaw dropped when my wife told me that we were going to holiday in … wait for it … DUBBO!

Yes, Dubbo, gateway to the west. There are not too many people who travel to Dubbo. Most people, including the animals at the Western Plains Zoo, want to get out!

But we’ve booked and paid for an overnight stay in a lodge at the zoo – please God, don’t let people try to feed me currant buns when I visit the elephant enclosure.

We are away for a week, which is kinda good, because I’m sure seven days in western NSW will more than likely feel like 27.

MY POPPY

Seven-year-old Poppy has been away for a week with her grandparents Max and Gail. They took her north on the train to visit her Aunty Simone in Cairns.

I called her on the second to last day to see how she was getting on, and she revealed she has the cunning, persuasive skills of her evil father.

She started with: “I know you have got me something special for when I get home, Dad.”

I replied: “No, not really, it will just be special to have you home.”

Good defensive move, Jamie – I thought.

She continued: “No, I know you’ve got me something special – a big surprise, hey Dad.”

I was gentle with her: “Just because you’ve been away doesn’t mean you have to get a surprise when you get back, sweetheart.”

She pressed on with: “You’re just tricking, you’ve got me something haven’t you, Dad.”

I was firm. “No, darling, I haven’t. I’ll be there at the station to pick you up.”

And, of course, 30 minutes before going to the station I rushed out and bought her the Cabbage Patch Doll she always wanted … geez, I hate being a father, particularly a soft one!

TERRORISTS

I can’t comprehend how evil some people can be. How can educated men spend years helping the sick with the ultimate plan of injuring and maiming as many innocent people as they possibly can.

Given what’s happened in London, you don’t have to be Einstein to do the math and realise there’s a chance foreign extremists are imbedded in our society. That’s a fact that Australians are going to have to deal with in the future.

OOPS – NOT AGAIN

It’s well documented that I’ve had my problems on the highways with the traffic police, although please remember I do have points left on my licence and I didn’t have to go to court.

I was doing an outside broadcast at the Plumbing Shack in Gympie and pulled into Bent Street at 5am in the morning. Because it was a back street, I thought it was easier to simply pull in and park on the wrong side of the road – who could I possibly upset at that time of the morning?

I stopped the car and turned off the lights, and a four-wheel-drive pulled in in front of me. We were facing headlight to headlight.

Being an expert lip reader, even at that hour of the morning, I’m sure I saw the word “Dickhead” mouthed from the lady in the passenger seat.

Nevertheless, undeterred, I got out of my vehicle and made what I thought was a disarming Jamie Dunn-like quip – something like. “I know, I know, my parking leaves a lot to be desired, hee, hee, hee!”

“It sure does,” said the tall blonde driver. “I’m a policewoman at Nambour Police Station … hee, hee, hee.”

Oops.

HOW TO BEAT PETROL PRICES

I went out to Yamaha Motorcycles at Kunda Park and bought myself a leather jacket, Marlon Brando-style.

The salesman said: “So what sort bike do you ride?”

I sucked in my stomach, puffed out my chest and said in my deepest “Easy Rider” voice: “A 50cc Vespa.”

To his credit, he didn’t smirk or snigger.

To those of you who have never tried scootering but have always wanted to, I urge you to go right ahead. There is nothing like the thrill of travelling over the Maroochy River Bridge at 68.5kmh with a T904 B-double Kenworth travelling at 78.5kmh just 30cm behind you.

The other bonus about a scooter rider was revealed when I went to top up the petrol tank – mind, you it did take me approximately five minutes and the cost of the search fee to actually find the petrol cap under the seat. I thrust the nozzle into the tank and pulled the trigger, only to find that after three seconds, $5 and a facial misting of unleaded, that the tank was full!

Did you hear that? Just $5 to fill your tank – it’s unbelievable. What a saving!

Perhaps our politicians should travel this way. NB: Amanda Vanstone and Kim Beazley need not apply.