I was asked to host the “Back to Brisbane Ball” held at the Exhibition Grounds last weekend.

Now, if you know me at all, you would know I never wear suits. But I do have an old one and I thought to myself that rather than hire a new one, I’d just make do with it. the one I had.

As usual I left everything to the last minute and ended up in panic calling “Presto’s Dry Cleaning” at the Plaza. In fact, if you get it in there by 9.30am on the Saturday, they can generally do it the same day.

I rushed in, handed it over and asked: “What’s the chance of a quick press on this?”

“No problem” said the man behind the counter, Rob, I think. “It’ll be ready in 15 minutes if you want to hang around.” And hang around I did, a quick wander through K-Mart and I was back at the counter to collect.

As Rob handed over my suit he said, “Oh, just a minute” and passed me a cigarette lighter. I was a little confused until he said, “after you’ve worn it this time, set fire to it, mate – it’s a piece of crap.”

The truth hurts, doesn’t it.

Old boss a good prop

I OPENED the “Back to Brisbane Ball” by saying, “Hi, I’m Jamie Dunn, I used to be someone once, that is, until one day I was unceremoniously sacked by B105”.

There was mild laughter and a smattering of applause, so I continued in the same vein: “Of course I’ve let it go NOW, I was supposed to appeal to a 27-year-old female and they needed someone younger. God knows I TRIED to appeal to a 27-year-old female for as long as I could, but I just ran out of time.”

More laughter. More applause. Then it happened. I saw in the corner of my eye, sitting at a table off to the right, the general manager of B105.

“Richard! I yelled, “It’s you!” I immediately ran off the stage, down the stairs, across the dance floor, over the carpet, stood behind his chair and screeched … “You’re the bastard that sacked me!”

It’s a good thing we remain friends, although I may have pushed the boundaries a little that night!

Oh the embarrassment

I’VE started going to the gym, but me being me, I recently remembered my towel, my T-shirt, my joggers and sports socks but….. forgot my shorts.

Rather than not turn up, I rushed over to the Plaza to quickly buy a pair at Best and Less. I grabbed a black pair of cotton shorts marked “Extra Large”, and nine dollars later was on my way to my exercise.

I went straight to the change room to put my gear on. Unfortunately for me, when I put the shorts on it was obvious they were made by a sight-challenged pre–frozen Taiwanese dwarf with tiny fingers and no sense of size.

Because the extra–large black cotton shorts I put on looked and fitted like bike pants. No, I didn’t have a VW bonnet in the front, it was more like a Volkswagen kombi carrying a Malibu.

I certainly got some stares while doing my squats.

Death becomes them

I NOTICE that Kevin Rudd gave his shadow foreign minister a dressing down for a speech he made suggesting Australia should argue against the death penalty for the Bali Bombers.

I understand that it’s Labor Party policy to abolish capital punishment, but the fact is these mass murderers claim to welcome death and as far as I’m concerned the sooner they catch the bus to paradise the better.

The boy has no fear

Given the hailstorm that came out of nowhere the other day, I was hard-pressed to keep my 10-year-old Jackson out of it.

I don’t think he’s ever seen ice falling from the sky like that. It was like trying to hang onto a Clydesdale.

He didn’t care that there were lightening bolts slamming all around us.

All he wanted to do was go out and play in the “snow”.

Is it just me

IS it just me or will you miss Caroline Hutchinson on the radio?

I wish I had the credibility and nerve to go into politics.
Good luck and all the best, Caz.