A friend of mine was travelling on the gateway headed south to the Gold Coast.

Just after passing Boondall in the 80kmh zone, she came across a smart sign which illuminated a personal message on her approach and bounced it back to her car. “You are currently travelling at 89 km per hour in an 80 zone”.

“Oh yes, and your hair’s a mess. Next time, blow-dry before leaving home.”

The free dog
Eleven-year-old Jackson, 14-year-old Max and I went to the markets. While wandering around we came across a sign above a box that said Free Puppy.

Jackson, always on the look out for a bargain, stalled, did a double-take and said: “Does that say ‘free puppy’ dad?”

I said: “Yes it does, and we don’t want it.”

He looked at me as though I was completely stupid.

“Are you telling me that you don’t have to pay anything for this puppy and you won’t take it?”

“That’s what I’m telling you son,” I replied.

“But dad you’re the businessman. You’re s’posed to be really good at it. Who wouldn’t take something for nothing?”

He was completely gobsmacked that I was refusing to snap up this bargain.

Luckily for me, we did a lap of the stalls and when we came back, some other poor gullible bastard had succumbed to his child’s urging and taken home the fleabag.

Indian chicken
I called into the Rattler Cafe at Imbil and snuck my snout in a bowl of their pumpkin soup.

I’ve told you before in this column, there is no better pumpkin soup to be found anywhere on the north coast.

While I was there, Vikki, the chef, called out from behind the counter, “would you like to taste-test my Indian curry? I get my spices from Rajas.”

“I’d love to,” was my reply, and she dolloped two ladlefuls into a bowl and brought it over.

As she put it in front of me, I noticed the girls from the kitchen peering through the pigeon hole, as though waiting for a grenade to explode.

I got just a little nervous at this, and asked Vikki the obvious question: “is it hot?”

Her reply scared me. “It’s got a bit of a bite,” she said cheerily.

“Just don’t get any on your lips."

Thank you Cooroy Auto Wreckers
I mean it; I do owe them a big thank you. They’ve been holding parts for the Datsun 120Y, that 14-year-old Max and I are supposed to be doing up, for about a year.

Needless to say, it’s a romantic dream, except that the car has sat in the one spot in the yard forever.

It only ventured out once, and that was when Max accidentally filled it with diesel.

You’re right, it didn’t venture very far.

I did everything I was supposed to. I turned left at the church before going into Cooroy, and travelled into Miva Road until I saw their signs, and turned right.

“Jamie,” said someone from under a pile of oily, rusty bits and pieces. “I thought you’d never come.”

I am now the proud owner of a bumper bar and two stop lights, which should take Max and I another year to actually put on.

The Pope
I certainly welcome the Pope to Australia.

Although I’m not a religious man, I do respect the watering equipment he makes.

With a minimum of 107 catholic priests convicted of sexual abuse, I’d be wanting to see an apologyand some reparation money coming real quick for the victims.

I think I’d call that compassion, your holiness.

While we’re on religion, just how happy are those hundreds of thousands of pilgrims?

They jump up and down, clap their hands together, smile and wave flags.

I personally would hate to be amidst a crowd of Christians that size should they ever turn angry.