I Went to the Amamoor Post Office and general store.

I walked into the general store and my eyes scanned the hot food menu above the stove.

“Can I have...” – there was an immediate interruption from the lady behind the counter.

“Sorry, we’re not cooking today,” she said.

“Oh,” I said with just a hint of the bewildered fat man. “In that case, I’ll just have a sandwich.”

Her reply was swifter than the first. “We’re not cutting either.”

My curiosity got the better of me, so I asked, “And why not?”

“The owner’s gone to Tasmania for her daughter’s wedding and she thought it best,” was the reply, “but if you’re that hungry I can zap you a pie in the microwave.”

I couldn’t control myself. “Sweet God almighty, food at last, food at last.”

I was quick to order this time. “I’ll have a chunky beef, thanks.”

She opened the freezer, turned and said, “Sorry, we’re all out.”

“Well, I’ve have a pie and peas then,” I said.

“You could have a pie with peas,” she retorted, “but we’re out of them as well. Why don’t you just have a curry pie and be done with it.”

“All right,” I said. “A curry pie it is.”

Call got her nirvanas on edge

A friend of mine’s mobile phone is playing up.

One minute you’re talking to her and the next minute she sounds a million miles away in a 44-gallon drum just at the back of an alpine lodge.

Now, as is so often the case these days, a lot of customer service has been outsourced to the Indians in Bangalore, so it was no surprise when the polite voice at the other end said with a thick Indian accent, “Hello, I am Prakash, how may I help you?”

My friend explained in great detail exactly what was wrong with her phone, highlighting the fact that at times the phone seemed like it had no signal whatsoever.

All the way through her long conversation, Prakash was giving a knowing “yes” and an understanding “oh, I see”.

What seemed to take forever to explain was in fact no longer than six minutes.

And now comes the reason we should not outsource to other countries.

At the end of her conversation, much to her frustration, the all-knowing

Prakash stunned her by saying, “So, Ma’am, is this problem to do with your bill?”

Bindi tongue-ties Jackson

I was so proud to receive my invitation to the opening of the brand new Australian Wildlife Hospital at Australia Zoo.

Of course, you must remember that little ears are always listening and the mere mention of Australia Zoo on the phone sparked 11-year-old Jackson’s interest and, like every other kid his age when he hears the name Steve Irwin, he blurted out, “Can I come?”

Once again the Father of the Year (me) instantly agreed and I arranged for Jackson to come as my partner.

He didn’t stop talking all the way down Steve Irwin Way. He didn’t stop talking as we walked across the car park towards the Australian Wildlife Hospital.

He did stop talking, however, when Terri and Bindi Irwin stepped from behind the door and greeted him with a big smile and a “Hi, thanks for coming”.

His brush with fame didn’t stop there, either.

He spent most of his time talking to the Veronicas and unknowingly stood in line for fish sticks with NLP leader Laurence Springborg.