Nugget: Crow Boy, my good man, I am somewhat concerned. Concerned that the wowsers of our community – that’s right, the very same wowsers that make you wear pants when you go to the bank – are out to destroy yet another pure and honest sporting tradition that goes back to a time when Kerri-Anne Kennerley was a man.

I refer, of course, to getting on the gear or, for the laymen, taking performance-enhancing drugs.

Crow Boy: Damn banks, I used to love putting my manhood on the desk and announcing “with a little interest it grows”.

But you’re right, I remember the good old days when a bloke would take five Sudafed before crossing the white line just to get you in the mood. Political correctness has gone mad.

N: It seems as if, these Bible-loving, right-wing conservatives have forgotten that certain substances can and will only enhance the viewing pleasure for us, the sport-loving public.

From my seat at Suncorp Stadium last Sunday afternoon, I was able to clearly see that the fortunes of Brisbane Broncos halfback (and let me just say I have never used a term more loosely in my life) Shane Perry would have been improved enormously if he had popped a couple of NRL-sanctioned Ritalin pills pre-game.

The ADD drug may have helped Shane not look so confused and distant every time someone passed him the ball.

CB: He could have used an aptly named “Pezz” dispenser to give him regular boosts. It’s unfortunate, but some people need drugs to be competitive. I’ve always thought Robbie O’Davis’s drug form was the best of his career.

N: Oh, Robbie O was deadset unstoppable when he was filled with more chemicals than the “Exit Mould” factory.

I would possibly like to see evil tennis robot sent from the future Roger Federer jumping on the pharmaceutical bandwagon, not to increase his performance, God forbid, but maybe a couple of Prozac just to keep him from tearing up when he gets handed a trophy.

CB: While he’s at the chemist, he could pick up some bulk packs of No-Doz. He would then hand them out at to the crowd at every early round Grand Slam match to keep the crowd awake as he discards opponents in a fashion not too dissimilar to Casey Donovan and buckets of hot chips.

One bloke who could have done with the gear was Matt “Pendulum” Shirvington, not only would it have helped him break the 10-second barrier but the shrinkage side effect would also bring him back in line with the majority of the male population.

N: Damn it, for the first couple of years I thought Shirvo was working part time as an on-foot delivery boy for a kebab shop.

The misunderstood and somewhat serene pursuit of lawn bowls could no doubt do with some chemical enhancement. Don’t tell me that bums won’t be on seats in lawn bowls arenas all over the land if Kelvin Kerkow rocked up to the latest episode of ABC’s “Jack High” on the back of a Harley, a bottle of Jack in one hand, a packet of “Ben Cousins Baking Soda”in the back pocket of the creams, and an addled and half-naked Courtney Love on his arm. Tickets please!

CB: That scenario may ultimately bring new meaning to the term “toucher” and change of ends.

Darts is another fine sport which could well do with a shot in the arm. Perhaps they could start with a herbal drug, 180…man.

N: Have you seen the amount of booze those blokes drink while playing darts? Adding anything more could end in tears.

CB: We’ve all heard the “drugs are bad” speech, but Benny Cousins is the perfect example of how drugs can work in your favour. The man was a junkie, but still has a body buffed enough to cut glass.

I still think he needs more oil, though, when he takes to the field; seven layers is hardly enough. The man’s guns are registered with the police as lethal weapons because every time he flexes they turn into cannons.

N: The Cuz man is a shining beacon to anyone considering the tenuous mix of footy and smack. If we had known earlier what coming off the gear could do for a potential athlete, someone should have grabbed a pot of coffee, thrown Jimi Hendrix in a hot shower and put him in the back pocket. Foxy Lady!