Nugget and Crow Boy are busy penning their debut book: Casey Donovan and Daryl Somers: Why We Hate Them, so here is one of their summer columns from last year. They will be back next week.

Just when you thought we couldn’t do any more. Just like adult erotica, we keep giving. We’ve been belting the Coast’s shopping hot spots like a red-headed step-child to find the perfect gifts for our sporting stars. Stuff these in your stockings.

Shane Watson: A can of harden up. Hamstring tear? Dougie Walters didn’t even believe in hamstrings, he thought it was something only sheilas got. Toughen up Watto.

Darren Lockyer: A map of the West Bank and Gaza Strip. After managing to do everything else this year, maybe Dazza could have a crack at that pesky problem in the Middle East.

Wendell Sailor: One of those fancy Dyson vacuums. Poor Wendell must not have a decent vacuum at home, that must be why the poor fella has had to spend most of the year picking up household dirt and various powders with his snout. Tough luck champ. Wendell may also enjoy a box of Wizz Fizz.

Mark Viduka: Webster’s Dictionary. So the slack b****** can see the meaning of the word striker and realise that the occasional goal is a condition of the job. Could also give him another Aussie jersey as the useless meat sack hasn’t earned any of the others he’s worn.

Mike Hussey: Totem tennis set. Officially the hardest sport in the world, totem tennis, may be the only opportunity to see Mike “Mr Cricket” Hussey struggle at something involving bat and ball.

Zinedine Zidane: Steel capped beanie. If the now retired Zidane is going to dedicate the rest of his days to head butting cheating Italian soccer players, we just want to help however we can.

Shane Warne: Playboy socks. To complete the Playboy ensemble with his now world-renowned bog-catchers.

Shane Webcke: Just Cuts Voucher. After a decade sporting the ‘Duke Nukem’ style flattop, nothing says fun like Webby with a blow wave and some strangely feminine tints*. (*See Shane Watson).

Brendan Fevola: This Is Your Life honour. After the Bingle, the only way is down for The Fev. It’s best to pull up stumps and reflect on a job well done. Well played Brendan, no score in the future will deliver the same adulation.

Monty Panesar: Snake handling kit. Anyone who saw the length and girth of Monty’s hands will understand why.

Mia Hewitt: Wheels subscription. The only magazine she won’t find herself on the cover of during 2007.

Wayne Carey: Pants. We’re not sure if you have any in the cupboard, try wearing some, just to protect the eye sight of nearby youngsters.

Rhys Wesser: A neck. Just think of the damage the Danny Glover look-alike could do if he had some real estate between his shoulders and chin.

Tim Peach: 12-carat diamond-encrusted Speedos. It would be remiss of us to encase the finest buns on the Sunshine Coast in any less, kennelling those puppies in anything less would be a greater crime against eroticism since Oprah Winfrey’s attempt to cover the Marvin Gaye love anthem “Let’s get it on”.

Craig Gower: See Wayne Carey. If not a pair of strides, possibly a golf club membership to Twin Waters.

The England Cricket Team: A voucher to Sunshine Coast X-ray. While it’s assumed this mob of coddled mummy’s boys are without a heart, spine or any guts, this may be the best and only chance to prove it.

Casey Donovan: Grant Denyer. Entree for Christmas dinner.

Daryl Somers: Dose of gastro. Finally the tables will be turned and he will be on the receiving end of the pain he continues to inflict on an unsuspecting Australian public.