Nugget: Well, well, well. Little Benny Cousins has swanned back into the country fresh from a stint at the Britney Spears Centre for Pharmaceutical Excellence, and Lethal Leigh Matthews has wasted no time insisting that he should serve a 12-week suspension. I can’t help but agree, but that leaves Benny with seven more weeks of suspension to serve and as we know idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Just ask any 15-year-old boy with a Bras ‘n’ Things catalogue. So what is Benny to do with himself?

Crow Boy: During the journey home he obviously popped into Boy George’s place and borrowed some impressive headwear, which proved to be a cunning disguise. Perhaps the cap is a pointer of things to come from Benny, and we might see this cool cat in the hat doing some Dr Seuss work for the kiddies. Green Eggs and Ham man.

N: It is a very salient point you make about Benny’s particular choice of headwear. Possibly the next seven weeks could be served as a train driver. Clearly given the melon coverage of choice, Benny is keen on riding the rail, which will have to prove a nice break from riding the white pony. All aboard

CB: I’m sure Anthony Callea would be happy to volunteer as Benny’s personal shunter. Plugger Locket could fill in as the fat controller, while Daniel Kerr could handle the “refreshments” trolley. Insert former Qantas hostie Lisa Robertson, and rail route takes on a whole new meaning.

N: Surely the fact that Benny is one of modern footy’s greatest players and most astute minds should not go to waste during his enforced layoff. Would the host broadcasters consider using him as a boundary rider? Sure the prospect of spending most of his time hanging out next to a long, white line may prove a greater temptation to him than a sale on disgraceful joke books would to Daryl Somers, but it is worth a nudge.

CB: Consider the recent work of one Ben Ikin in the Channel Nine booth, he could always join the rugby league commentary team. His limited knowledge of the game would make him the perfect choice. Cuz could even head into work after a big session. It seems stringing a sentence together which makes any sense is not a prerequisite.

N: Is there an opening for Mr Cousins to potentially serve out his time in the Big Brother house? I imagine the now famous “White Room” would carry enormous appeal for the boy and wouldn’t nomination night take on a life of its own if he spent the whole time trying to nominate for two points the dozens of imaginary funnel webs crawling all over his body.

CB: He could always lend a hand with the club major sponsor, Hungry Jacks. Considering his recent experience, he could operate the ice machine. Suddenly, the fast-food outlet would be offering “happy, happy” meals.

N: If Benny is commandeering the drinks machine, don’t expect to get any coke either