Nugget: The 17 regular readers of this loosely titled “column” will know we love a great sledge here at Nugget & Crow Boy HQ, and Sri Lanka’s answer to Jerry Seinfeld, “Marvellous” Marvin Atapattu, has gone straight to top of the pops.

Marvin’s labelling of his country’s selectors as “Muppets” is not only timely and a delightful stroll down memory lane, the classy batsman may be on to something.

Crow Boy: At least Marvin injected some life into the game. I was getting tired of attaching jumperleads to your ample bosoms because the Test was failing to provide the usual stimulation.

You’re damn right Marvin was on to something. In fact I think a Muppet may well have been playing for Australia around 1999 under the name of Scott Muller. He stood around and did nothing, and every time I saw him he looked stuffed.

N: Can’t bowl, can’t throw, can’t move arms without wires and Jim Henson.

Given the performance of the Lankans was meeker than Lawrence Springborg at the ballot box, surely those adorable little buggers may be worth a look in for today’s Second Test.

I would love to see Kermit, the spiritual leader of the Muppets, leading the boys from Colombo on to Bellerive.

CB: I could just see Kermit banging out a stirring rendition of Rainbow Connection before the game, banjo in hand.

“Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.”

Tell me that wouldn’t rally the troops? Sounds a bit like Tasmania’s Pura Cup preparations. But he wouldn’t be the first cricketer who has hooked up with a pig.

N: That is true, but we can all take solace in the fact that Mark Waugh broke up with his nanna and is wed to a smoking-hot racing heiress.

CB: His history with horses should come in handy. Just imagine the banter if Fozzie Bear took over from Gilly behind the stumps. “So, does your husband know you’re out here? Wocka Wocka Wocka!”

N: Given the proud tradition of Merv Hughes and David Boon, I think international cricket is more than prepared for a keeper who is completely covered in fur.

I don’t think the playing ranks are the only area that could be ably filled by a mop with a hand up its rear end. Given the standard of umpiring over the past few seasons, I think everyone’s favourite feline “Hector the Safety Cat” could continue directing traffic from square leg and making sure the batsmen look both ways before they cross the wicket.

CB: These days Hector would probably make more cash trafficking, and could hook up with a few footballers. Look to the right, look to the left, and look to the right again, when the coast is clear of coppers, snort the stuff up your nose. How fun, snort it straight up your nose.

N: Well, I know one of Hector’s most important lessons was to always follow the lines. I don’t think the world of the Muppet should be left simply to the on-pitch activities.

Everyone’s favourite balcony based cranks “Statler and Waldorf” would cut a fine form in the Channel Nine commentary box, cricket fans all over this big brown land would be well served after yet another Stuart MacGill long hop is greeted by, “Oh this ain’t no good”.

CB: Perhaps then the Swedish Chef could slot himself into Nine’s rugby league commentary team. At least he’d make more sense than Ben Ikin, and would not only be more entertaining but also have greater insights into the game.

N: And his soufflé is to die for. With international cricket administrators looking to clamp down on sledging and on-field shenanigans of all kinds, a new generation of player who keeps the mouth shut full time would be ideal.

Humphrey B Bear has the physical presence to intimidate the stoutest of batsmen and the Craig Gower style lack of trousers to appeal to a new crop of female fans.

Some may say there is nothing scarier than a quickie who sends some chin music whizzing past the left ear and just stares at you, adjusting his bow tie.

CB: Oh, he’s a cunning fellow that Humphrey. Picture the big fella after a quality delivery, walking face-to-face with a batsman, roll the arm over and then pretending to tickle the ivories before striding back to his mark.

His silent rendition of “I’ll bowl you a piano, see if you can play that” would be more unsettling than a John Hopoate medical exam. I’d also like to see Humphrey’s attire replicated throughout the team at the Allan Border Medal presentation.

N: That would be the unsettling part, especially as it would be the first ABM ceremony hosted by Kerri-Anne Kennerley and I would be concerned as to where Australian cricket’s greatest individual prize would end up getting hung.