Crow Boy: The hallowed game has been sullied. I feel more betrayed and dirtier than when there were male dancers wearing AFL jumpers in the pre-game entertainment of the 2004 grand final.

Test cricket has been labelled boring. This crazy world has gone too far this time, my stout-behind cohort.

Nugget: Simpson would be horrified, not to mention his donkey, and Weary Dunlop would be vomiting with disgust.

Normally I can accept this brand of behaviour. Hell I normally even laugh it off by saying they are just jealous (or insert your own insult here – soft, un-Australian, French etc) but this has gone too far.

If rampant domination of an opponent is considered boring, I do not hold high ratings hopes for Channel Nine’s new reality show “Casey Donovan goes to Krispy Kreme”.

CB: Damn, that show would be longer than the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

Cricket is at the very fabric of our nation. Men, women and children have died or sustained lifelong injuries through backyard matches.

I once had a standard-size nose before copping a wet tennis ball bouncer.

It’s the one sport which brings us together without fear of splitting fans through football denomination.

N: I blame television, or those damn kids running on my lawn ... sorry, I just became my Pop.

This Starbucks, drive-thru burger, Twenty20, buy now pay later, Ipod lifestyle we are enjoying has finally claimed a victim. A most undeserving victim. The moving art exhibition that is Test cricket.

Apparently anything longer than a Big Brother nomination show is too long, which is still no excuse for Gretel wearing a 1972 Aussie ODI uniform the night they booted Krystal off.

CB: Test cricket is a challenge of an individual’s character, endurance and concentration.

I’m tiring of this fast-food lifestyle we lead. I reckon we should create Nugget and Crow Boy World where we can build a fortress and maintain the vital aspects of society and cast aside those who can’t embrace what’s important in life.

We’d definitely need a water feature out the front, I reckon a brass Craig Gower, looking all cherub-like and facing an equally masculine “The Duck” Carey crossing swords.

N: Imagine the furry characters that would caper their way around the park.

Every kid would be desperate to have their picture taken with “Tinnie”, a six-foot tall can of harden up, that spends his day greeting the children who are frightened of the rides with a swift “Hey Mary, harden the f*** up”. Not to mention the award-winning show playing every 25 minutes on the main stage – “Alby Mangels, his dogs and his b*****s”. Tickets please.

CB: During lunch breaks visitors could visit the Stuy McGill pie shop, where a look-a-like would bowl pastries to the hungry hordes.

Two things you won’t see there are the bloody Veronicas. We’ll enforce a ban ’cause those midgets are in more places than Willie Mason during a pre-season.

N: The Ben Cousins bumper cars will be a massive hit as well. You pay your money, get given a handful of “Bindeez”, drive the dodgem for 16 seconds and then get pulled over by park security where they apply a “Such is life” iron-on transfer to the guts of your favourite shirt.

CB: There’d also be a drive-thru area where you could order a “very happy meal”.

The Shane Watson ride would be popular. After sauntering through walls of cotton wool followed by an ice bath, patrons would then have sticky-tape applied to cause a tightening of the hammies.

N: The Watson ride takes a massive trip downhill, however, when it concludes with your fiancée being stolen by Tom Williams.

CB: The Warne Horror Train would be another big ticket item. Ghosts from the past scaring the living daylights out of each carriage, including a nasty shemale from South Africa.

Simone would come back again, and again, and again, but at least there would be a happy ending with a model sandwich.

N: To attract the school excursion crowds and the educational types, we will have a museum of all things great and Aussie.

There will be a display showing a timeline of Boony’s 52 cans on the trip to London and the evolution of the Australian sporting mullet, from Steven Kergnahan, to a young Terry Alderman right through to Lisa Curry circa 1986.

CB: Mark Gasnier would then ensure all the kiddies have had a great day with some pleasant smiles, and any hint of a tantrum or frown would be met with a “fire up b****”. Now that’s family entertainment.