Crow Boy: The liniment’s in my nostrils, the excitement is palpable and I’m not sure whether to wear pants … no it’s not a speed dating session with Warnie, it’s the greatest weekend of the year.

Nugged: Not since Marcia and Jan Brady were having their own “special” sleepovers have two things been more suited than the NRL and AFL Grand Finals being together on the one magnificent weekend.

But in no way are they to be attempted by the faint-hearted or the ill-prepared.

CB: Correct weight, my sturdily constructed pal. Careful preparation for such a prestigious weekend needs to be given more care than Shane Watson.

There’s unwritten rules and etiquette which needs to be taken into consideration.

N: Yet unlike the aforementioned Mr Watson, the goal is to last the entire two days. The simplest approach is always the best and this situation is no different.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint. No one is saying that you should not spend this special time partying harder than Daryl Somers at the ugly jumper convention, but allow yourself some downtime to reflect, recharge and, in some cases, figure out how you will make bail.

It never hurts during the weekend to throw something on the tube that the ladies can appreciate and enjoy. Pay TV will have soccer on at most stages.

CB: There are also two distinctive parties for the GF weekend.

Women and men are poles apart when hosting an event, so here’s a guide for punters who are unsure about what’s required when heading to a title deciding function.

N: Oh, too true, champ – the difference between the two parties is insurmountable.

MEN’S PARTY

• Bring nothing: Take nothing, other than beer. Eating’s cheating. If you take nibbles, you may as well take Anthony Callea as well.

• Stay as long as you like: Pass out wearing nothing more than some Grand Final stained bog catchers under a pile of empty stubbies and Domino’s boxes, while spooning the Labrador.

• Casual dress: Wear pants, if you want.

• Feel free to bring someone: Grab a hitchhiker along the way, as long he has got half a carton and will find his way into the corner and shut up.

• Can you help cook the barbecue? Stand next to me while I cook the barbecue. Don’t touch the tongs unless asked. Bring me beer when it’s empty.

• Just sit wherever you like: Stop bitching about not getting the last bean bag chair and God help you if you walk in front of the telly.

WOMEN’S PARTY

• Bring nothing: That means take something. Dip, chips and bring it on a platter. Extra points for presentation.

• Stay as long as you like: Complain about the game going into Golden Point and then make noise over the top of the presentations and post-match interviews tidying up.

• Casual dress: Go and get a new outfit. If you wear the same thing you did last time, rumours will start circulating that the bank is about to take your house or that you have a gambling addiction.

• Feel free to bring someone: Maybe bring Trent, that cute new guy from the accounts department, so we can grill him about previous girlfriends and level of commitment.

• Can you help cook the barbecue? Cook the barbecue. I don’t know how that gas thingy works, I’ve had my nails done, and it’s better that you smell like sausage than me.

• Just sit wherever you like: Sit too close to the dip platter and you are a porker, too far away and you’re a card-carrying bulimic.