Nugget: Two more sleeps Crowy. Just two little sleeps and it will be here again.

No, not church or even an opportunity for St George Illawarra to prove yet again what an exceptional mixed netball team they are. No this is far more serious, and frankly I think it may bump roast pork sandwiches off pole position as my favourite thing.

It’s Gladiators.

Crow Boy: The combination of bare flesh, lycra, impressive names and excessive grappling is no longer confined to a fondue party at the Wayne Carey household.

This wonderful piece of programming brilliance builds on the platform set by Fiona McDonald and Billy J Smith with It’s A Knockout, but takes it to another level – like what Kane Johnson has done for all incontinence sufferers.

N: I tell you what, I was stunned when the recruiting geniuses at Channel Seven were able to lure Daryl Somers out of his lucrative three-year performing stint at Twin Towns so he could be the front man for “Tango with the Tossers”, but the cast they have assembled for Gladiators is the finest collection of has-beens and social misfits since the short-lived Henderson Kids meets Hey Dad crossover series.

CB: Personally, I was a bigger fan of the hybrid production of Chances and Young Talent Time.

Such a shame Bevan’s raw sexuality never really translated when he took off the lemon slacks to get into the spa with a topless Kate Langbroek. But I can’t help thinking that the producers have missed a prime opportunity to throw a few suitable personalities into the Gladiators mix.

N: Correct weight. While the celebrity Gladiator net is fuller than Kerri-Anne Kennerley’s Versace gown after the buffet at the Logies, a few more faded stars couldn’t hurt.

The acquisitions of Hayley Bateup, Tatiana Grigorieva and Anthony Koutoufides is impressive, no doubt, but if they want big ratings, the producers need one important ingredient: Effie. The big-haired Greek girl in a lycra suit under the name of “Souvlaki” is guaranteed ratings gold.

CB: One living legend who would fit perfectly into the mix is Tasmania’s favourite son, David Boon.

Picture the little batting maestro in the figure-hugging gear, which would require some special attention to allow for the toolshed roof. I present Boonimus Maximus.

N: Stuff Russell Crowe, the sight of the chunky number three from Launceston standing astride the “gauntlet” and announcing “on my signal ... drink 42 tinnies” is enough to send you scampering for the Oscar polish.

But I don’t think athletic prowess should be the only criteria for these clowns. People shouldn’t miss out on their chance to be a Gladiator just because they are un-coordinated and just a little bit dim.

Ben Ikin would be a natural and popular addition to the lycra-clad line-up. If I knew I could watch the former North Sydney Bear get the snot whacked out of him every Sunday at 6.30pm, not even a bubble bath with Jessica Alba and Judith Durham for the Seekers (it’s a long story) would be enough to keep me away.

CB: They could also insert a bit more emotion into the games. How about we cage up Olympia (Tatiana Grigorieva) and former husband Vaultshafter (Victor Chistiakov)?

Surely those two would have a few lingering marital issues they could sort out with a couple of hammerheads. The winner takes the fine china.

N: Stop the fight. Imagine as a special, if the ratings dipped, “Gladiators Jilted Lovers Special”.

The match-up of Mark Philippoussis and Delta Goodrem, Tara Reid, Anna Kournikova and any number of women in train station bathrooms would see more interest than the long-rumoured “Scarlett Johansson-Halle Berry wrestle for wieners”.

I’m sure the sight of Simone cracking Warnie over the noggin with a rubber mallet would pack a few in as well.

CB: I reckon the Scud should also be unleashed in his own cage – a fully glassed tennis court called the “Poohouse”. The Scud could then hit wet balls at the competitors.

I’m sure there would be a few ladies keen to face a couple from the Scud.

There’s also a distinct lack of little people. They should resurrect the career of former Bronco Ian Lacey and let the boy from the Shire unleash his fury.

Imagine Tank hurling an angry and baby-oil laden Lacey at competitors in the gauntlet. Slippery little sucker.

N: Careful, start putting out an invitation for greased-up halflings and Anthony Callea’s management will be on the blower.