Nugget: Violence, riots, groin punching ... I have not seen so much drama caused by a touring flamer since Elton John came to Australia in 2002. The Beijing-bound torch is causing quite the little brouhaha and it just feels like this is nothing more than a petty squabble.

Crow Boy: This flame has caused more chaos and hospitalisations since your buck’s show where the primary entertainment was a game involving young gents, a can of beans, a lighter and natural talent. But you’ve nailed the issue quicker than Sonny Bill in a toilet cubicle, China hasn’t even been given its time to shine in the spotlight without the Tibetans moving in to steal the glory.

N: Just like that evil little mole Jan Brady, Tibet cannot simply handle the fact that China (aka Marsha) is far more interesting, fun and, if the final seasons of the Brady Bunch are anything to go by, tremendously saucy. Attacking the torch relay is just like a naughty sibling tea bagging the birthday cake at a party that is not for him.

CB: Correct weight. Using the Olympics as the pawn in these political games sickens me more than the ridiculous speech patterns of Vanessa from So You Think You Can Dance fame. Politics and sport are like family – the two should never get into bed together … unless it’s really cold and you live in southern South Australia.

N: Hey, your mum is a handsome woman and you should not be ashamed of that for one minute. Or 45 seconds, if the rumours are true. Like any match up, be it sporting, military or political, it is first of vital importance to review the teams. In the red corner, China - the home of fried rice, the Chinese burn and, of course, the entire stock selection of Crazy Clarks, the Warehouse and Silly Sollys the world over. Now we look at Tibet...um Tibet, yeah, not much going on other than monks and some big ass mountains that can be conquered by Kiwis. Tibet, come back to us when you have something to export other than good karma.

CB: Although, I did enjoy their input into Ace Ventura 2. The Chinese are innovators. They built a bloody big wall to deal with those pesky rabbits, they gave us Jackie Chan, and not to forget Australia’s primary culinary luxury throughout the 1980s.

N: Ahh yes, the dim sim, the delicious sustainers of bogans everywhere. These are all excellent points, but this is just the tip of the iceberg of reasons that we should love China and everything about it and its people. And just like a fat girl who has wiped the gravy out of her neck creases and has shoe-horned herself into a lovely pink dress for the big dance, China is very excited because it doesn’t get to entertain very often, and Tibet is acting that bastard next -door neighbour who decides to fire up the lawn mower right in the middle of your BBQ.

CB: With Australia being the thoughtful nation that it is, surely we could extend the olive branch between these two marvellous entities. Sydney Swans forward, the barnstorming Barry Hall, currently has seven weeks free in his diary – surely K-Rudd could access the many skills of Bazz to undertake a diplomatic journey to mend a few bridges. Or perhaps bash a couple down.

N: Well played sir. If there was ever a special envoy that we could send on behalf of this big brown land to talk a bit of sense into these out-of-control Tibetans, it's big bad bustling Barry. Nothing says Olympic themed harmony like the big centre-half-forward putting the Dalai Lama into a sleeper hold like a young Mario Milano in the halcyon days of world championship wrestling. No doubt the Lama will find true inner peace with Bazza’s legs wrapped around his noggin until the sweet embrace of nighty night.

CB: Bad Barry versus Dynamite Dalai. Now there’s a Greco Roman wrestling bout that’ll put bums on Chinese Olympic seats.