Nugget: Well la di friggin da, the Beijing Olympics are finally upon us, and like a Mother’s Day brunch with Belinda Neal, nobody is quite sure what to expect, but there is a good chance there will be tears and spitting.

Thanks to our good buddies at Korean TV, tonight’s highly anticipated opening ceremony will not be a total surprise, but the Chinese better deliver or heads will roll.

Crow Boy: Given the Chinese human rights history, that’s exactly what we might see, with the fine Korean journos a new star attraction.

But while tonight promises to have more colour, waterworks and excitement than a Canberra city tour with Todd Carney, there will no doubt be a few glaring omissions.

N: We have already seen magnificent footage of holographic whales and 27 squillion blokes banging on drums, which is all well and good, but where is the love?

Will the Chinese be sporting an adorable little girl capering about the arena like our very own Nikki Webster?

Granted that little girl might be a communist and the Toto-like mutt scarpering after her in a comical fashion is actually a vicious army dog, trained to attack at the slightest scent of dissent or free thought, but it still might be kind of cute.

CB: Of course, we’ll all be on tenterhooks to see how the Olympic flame is lit. I’d like to think some of the country’s biggest icons will be involved, including freak basketballer Yao Ming, martial arts star Jackie Chan and the humble spring roll.

Picture Ming standing on a platform in the middle of the bird’s nest about to tuck into the spring roll, which then suddenly becomes a flame-thrower, only for Chan to deliver a life-saving fly-kick to the roll which sends said food into the “cauldron of death”.

N: Well they have promised a spectacle, and that little gem would well and truly fit the bill.

Now, there has been much speculation that people getting about dressed like Chinese soft toy of choice, the Panda, will make an appearance tonight. That’s all well and good, but surely the 135,000-strong crowd jammed into the “Birds Nest” like Casey Donovan’s toes into a gumboot, would get more bang for their buck with pandas dressed as people.

Now that is a show my friend – pandas wearing pants, driving cars and generally going about their business in waistcoats, a la Humphrey.

CB: I’d also like to see them on motorbikes... not full-size, pee-wees. They could then jump some bricks depicting the building of the great wall before going on to beat some Mongolians shipped in for the occasion.

Just the sight of a panda delivering a “typewriter” on the chest of a pinned Mongolian would be enough to earn the best Olympics ever mantle.

N: Oh yes, pandas, so cute, so angry. It’s true they are nature’s redheads.

No doubt the music of the ceremony will have a distinctly Chinese theme, with the Asian nation having a rich and magical musical pedigree, drummers, dancers and the hauntingly beautiful pan pipe will have a major part to play.

They are all well and good, but if the organisers are smart and they don’t want in excess of 100,000 communists chasing their moolah back they will need to turn back the clock and have genuine one-hit wonder Carl Douglas busting out a bit of his classic “Kung Fu Fighting”. Hello ladies!

CB: That would have to be combined with a dance team led by Jet Li, where they could reproduce some of the magnificent martial arts and romantic manoeuvres when he played folk hero Wong Fei Hung Well.

Perhaps we could also see the return of the doped up swimmers from the ’90s, punching out some bench presses featuring a platform full of families from remote villages?

N: I will be deadset switching off and not returning if there is no finale involving the Dalai Llama being fired out of a cannon (most likely one mounted to the front of an army tank) into a crowd of delighted gymnasts and then leading the masses in an impromptu break dancing session.

With the world’s foremost Buddhist leader doing head spins and the worm on a folded up fridge box, everyone will forget about smog, communism and government brutality, and really isn’t that what the Olympics is all about?

CB: That, and also providing a venue for the world’s best athletes to get it together, Barry White style.