Nugget: Now Crowy, you know me better than most – I am a fairly happy-go-lucky kind of bloke, I love a laugh and a beer, and generally I’m fairly easy to get along with.

But I’m sorry, I have had a dead-set gutful. Something has got my goat well and truly. In fact it’s got my goat, two llamas and all other manner of allegedly delicious livestock.

I refer of course to the ridiculous retirement of Shaun “Pick me or I’ll go home” Tait.

Crow Boy: Much like the issue which sees Humphrey B Bear wear a waistcoat, bow tie and yet no pants, this one has me perplexed.

My staunch love for South Australia is well documented, but on this occasion I cannot support a fellow Crow Eater. In fact, I’ve had a pallet-load of “Harden Up” cans couriered to his tree-house in the Adelaide Hills.

N: Gee, I don’t know if Shaun will be able to handle it, given its beer-like consistency, I worry that the Harden Up may be a bit too fizzy for the delicate Tait sensitivities.

I feel the speed with which you have abandoned a fellow South Aussie is a clear example of just how serious this issue is. I know that you have long considered yourself a South Australian first, Australian second; that Mt Gambier-based militia group you founded is evidence enough of that.

But I don’t know who to be more disgusted by, Tait himself or the growing choruses of idiots who feel the need to inform us that this young man just needs time to find himself. You should be easy to find Shaun, you are the chap with the yellow belly.

CB: Find yourself … if that’s not done by the time you’re in Year 8 courtesy of the lingerie section of the Target catalogue, it’s off to the counsellor.

You’re damn right, in fact right now in playgrounds across the nation the joke has changed to: “Why did Tait cross the road.” Apparently the bloke’s stressed. What causes concern in Adelaide? One of the three traffic lights stays on red too long, or the fact they roll up the footpaths after 10pm?

N: On the contrary, my dear friend, surely if you are suffering from some sort of nervous disorder, the city of churches is the last place you want to be.

By gee, around every corner is some well-spoken, Malcolm Blight-loving sadist just itchin’ to stuff you in a barrel.

I worry about the example Taity has set for young Aussies. Shaun has just come back wicketless from the WACA, the fast-bowling equivalent of dynamite fishing. So what have we learnt kiddies? If at first we don’t succeed try, try again? ... pigs rear, just quit.

CB: Surely the possibility of ending up in a Snowtown vault at any juncture is character building? Every day’s a bonus in SA.

Wayne Carey is the perfect example – he learnt quickly while in Adelaide. Anyone puts their hands on you and you glass ’em (allegedly). But Tait-a-tait has displayed the intestinal fortitude to rival Sally Robbins.

N: With an impressive resume that now includes a PhD in pulling the pin and a masters in bowling fast, wide and loose, I’m sure the job market will be an exciting and advantageous pursuit for young Shaun.

I mean, no doubt that BHP, JP Morgan and Microsoft are absolutely polluting the front of their breeches at the prospect of hiring a bloke whose major skill to date is piffing a cricket ball faster than a juiced-up Marion Jones.

CB: Well, let’s analyse his credentials. He’s played Test cricket, but never really had an impact.

Given Greg Blewett now has a regular gig with pay TV, surely Taity could help out there? Todd Woodbridge has proven you never have to be good at the game which you provide expert commentary about, while Benny Ikin has proven you can talk without a brain.

N: I believe all three of those blokes are off to see the Wizard of Oz. The world of commentary would be desperate to get its hands on the kid.

I can just imagine day three of the Boxing Day Test and Stuart Clark has just been sent to the boundary by Jacques Kallis, and the insightful commentary form S Tait being: “Gee, great shot there from Kallis, Clarky better give it away.”

CB: Or perhaps he could join the ICC. The way they have folded to India during the recent tour, he would be simply perfect for the top job.