Nugget: Equine Flu, Polio and Keith Urban. Eventually all of the worst scourges on the face of this great brown land are forced off our shores, and now the news that Mark “My Uncle was a legend so I should be” Gasnier is shipping off to the land of stinky cheese and those crap "Three Colours" films is this nation’s greatest reason to celebrate since Juan Antonio Samaranch awarded the Olympics to "Si - do nee".

Crow Boy: Yes, the man who used to inspire the troops with insightful lines such as "fire up, bitch" has put his soul on eBay, and it’s been picked up by the French who obviously have far too much Arthur Ashe on their hands. But really, my well-informed and cranky cohort, what’s Gaz ever really done?

N: Sweet nothin’ little buddy. Despite being awarded the Shane Warne Medal for services to telephone-based abuse of women, the man they call “Gaz” has contributed less to this nation and rugby league, and society in general than whooping cough. All he has done has spent the last eight seasons leaving one of Australian sport’s finest names in poorer nick than a trampoline in the Biggest Loser house.

CB: I just thought being a lonely little South Aussie in this marvellous state that I’ve missed something. All I’ve ever seen the hybrid between the Great American Hero and Beaker from the Muppets do is a great turnstile impression in defence and fail to win anything, step anything or do anything. No wonder he wore the girlie sky-blue.

N: Yes, a very astute observation from a kid from a state whose major export is bodies in barrels. But Mark’s departure has left a major hole, and not just in defence (paging Mr Inglis). With Gaz off to France, the search must now begin for a replacement for the biggest grub in Australian sport, a search that may be more exhaustive and require more manpower than the day Ian Hewitson decided he wanted to find his feet.

CB: Fortunately there is a strong contingent lining up. Fresh from exercising his elbow on Cameron Ling’s face, Dean Solomon may be the perfect candidate. While we all know those with Fanta pants are the natural outcasts from society, they don’t deserve that kind of treatment. As if the world hasn’t already dealt them a nasty hand by inserting the orang-utan gene.

N: I have obtained some slowed down audio of the incident and Dean was simply trying to get “Lingy”’ off the park and out of the harsh afternoon sun for fears he may suffer a terrible sunburn. I don’t know if we have to travel far from the world of rugby league to secure a replacement for Gaz in the puppy-kicker stakes. He is young, strong and in his short time at the elite level has displayed an attitude that makes Peter Costello seem like a knock around champion. I refer to none other than the grubbiest of the grubs, Paramatta’s Jarryd Hayne.

CB: Considering Hayne was walking arm-in-arm with Gas when a drive-by gunman was taking pot-shots in Kings Cross earlier there appears to be ample synergies between the duo which would make for a seamless transition.

N: Yeah sorry about that night, my usual accuracy eluded me, I still contend you were driving our Toyota Crown too fast. If Jarryd was unable to fulfil his duties, perhaps he got caught doing a good deed, or not smacking orphans, I feel a bloke from the greater Cronulla shire could fill the void. Paul Gallen has shown to the entire universe that he has a kryptonite-like aversion to common sense and fair play. That being said, we shouldn’t be too hard on Pauly; he was just behind Greg Inglis as the greatest contributor to Queensland’s Sate of Origin success this year.

CB: Mal even gave him best player votes in the decider. He could always share the load with team-mate Greg Bird. Even among the nation’s best adult entertainers, that mo' is ridiculous.