Thanks for coming in Wayne. Please, feel free to loosen the straitjacket and make yourself comfortable on the couch.”

“What choice did I have Doc? That traitor Bruno Cullen had me hypo-darted at Broncs training and sent me kicking and screaming to have my head examined. I knew he was plotting behind my back.”

“We prefer to call it a psych assessment.”

“The Roosters would never do that. Gus Gould is my pal. And Rusty Crowe is my only other pal … I wonder if it’s too late to coach the Bunnies?”

The doctor talks into a cassette recorder: “The patient seems quite paranoid delusional.”

“Hey, Doc, when you coach a Brisbane side that plays in Sydney most of the time, how can you be anything else but! Everyone’s out to get us. Trouble is, now they are getting us and the knives are out again…for dropping four lousy games.

Bruno says we can do better and by crikey I know we can – we dropped five in a row in 1999 to start the season. But it will be right…as soon as I team up with Webbie again. Once the big unit is right to go, nothing will stand in our way.”

Doc into recorder: “Patient seems to be losing grip on reality. He is fantasising about getting Shane Webcke back out of retirement as part of a childish wish fulfilment.”

“Nah, you’ve got it wrong Doc. You should write for the papers. As soon as big Carl Webb’s jaw heals I’m making him an offer…let me be your coach at the Cowboys….please! I’m going sub-troppo here in Brisbane.”

“Calm down, Wayne, and don’t suck your thumb. It’s unbecoming a six-time premier coach. Let’s talk about your problem.”

“What problem! The only problem I have is you. And the only reason I’m here is that Bruno gave me a choice – this or a press conference.”

“I think we know better, Wayne. Your problem is your public posturing. It’s hiding a dark secret that really wants to come out.” “So, I hunch my shoulders a lot. You carry as many chips around as I do and you just see if yours don’t sag a little.”

“That’s not a hunch, Wayne. Your thoracic region is in a severe slump- …just like your team.” Wayne starts to froth at the mouth and convulse wildly. Doctor to recorder: “Patient responding well to shock therapy.”

“That’s not true, Doc! We haven’t even got going yet..the…. sl…s..l..l..l..l…ip up thingo comes after Origin. Look, my big problem is that Wendell rings me up every other day and says he’s in career-best form and can he come back early if he changes his name to Lote Tuqiri. Doc, why don’t you talk to some head cases who really need help like Eddie Jones. That guy has got to be just about suicidal by now.

“Nice try…Wayne…but we’re not leaving this rubber cell until you finally come out with it. I took the liberty of putting a powerful truth serum in the dart sedative. So just say it…the dark truth you’ve been bottling up inside the past couple of seasons.”

“I…jay walk?” “That’s not it.” “All right you’ve got me…Darren Lockyer….is not a five-eighth! There are you happy?”

“No, Wayne, but once you really believe that, you and the Broncs just could be.”