Why is it so? How do two super-dense, colliding objects – that is the Eagles and the Dockers – appear to break every law of logic to bend believability and take the AFL into the Twilight Zone of credibility?

Hello, my name is Professor Julius Sumner Miller and, to paraphrase another explorer of early TV science programming, Star Trek’s Scotty, the Selwood v Headland Supernova Stoush can be summed up as thus:

“It’s porky pies, Jim, but not as we know it….or punish it.” Now for starters folks, don’t let the fact that I died some light years ago put you off – a little thing like stinking to high heaven never hurt Eddie McGuire.

After all, we’re all just cosmic dust but, after what I saw come out of the AFL hearing last week, I’m inclined to think that should be reclassified as bull dust. Why is it so? A great man once said e = mc squared.

What the hell was he talking about? All I know is that Des Headland reckons an Eagle sledge equals a Docker double get square. You may be aware of Catch 22.

That is: Anyone who is crazy should not be allowed on a football field for everyone’s good. The catch is: Because everyone else out there running around is a certifiable head case, if you’re crazy, then you’re normal and the first bloke picked in the run on side.

Get it? Which brings us to Infinite Impunity 101, or the Selwood/Headland Effect. Adam was found not guilty of sledging, but Des was let off for going the biff because of verbal provocation ... possibly from the Man in the Moon. Imagine I was to come up to you and not say a thing about your body art depicting your six-year-old daughter.

But, in another parallel universe, I am actually saying: “That’s a great tatt. Hot stuff! I’d really love to frame her good and proper!” But the acoustics are lousy because of a faulty worm hole connection and you hear something altogether different and bammo!

Why, of course, the AFL Tribunal, which is totally off every known planet, will enter a gravity-free zone where things do not so much free fall, but free-forall.

The AFL, from its black hole of reason that is Infinite Impunity 101, will decree: Nothing good comes from a bad mouthing that makes the papers, so we’ll all shut up about it.

So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I, as the nonabuser/ abuser would have no case to answer. As for the aggrieved aggressor, though nothing and everything was said to you on the dark side of Subiaco Oval, you are a Headland case, and, in your universe, you suffered insufferable, unprovoked provocation.

As far as the quantum logic leapers at the AFL are concerned, if it happens again, you have their blessing to end the existence of any offensive non-offender. In fact, why not just go the Big Bang … before some non-terrible slight is not said.

Why is it so? Go figure. And if all of this makes sense to you … you’ve got a problem. And that is: What is pi and how do you find it? Answer: Look to the sky ... that’s where so many tribunal rulings are written.