I don’t know if you were lucky enough to get a synthetically sincere phone call from the (now ex) prime minister of Australia John Howard before the last election.

This political ploy is used only in the case of extreme panic, when everything else, including trying to spend your way out of trouble, has failed.

The one-on-one with the former PM started off something like: “Hello, Prime Minister John Howard here. I’m calling because I want you to vote for [INSERT NAME OF CANDIDATE] in the seat of [INSERT ELECTORATE], not just because of the $64 billion in free gifts you won’t get if I’m chucked out, but because I am the country’s best economic manager – Mark Latham, Kevin Rudd. Union bullies. Boo!”

Now if you are an Australian rugby union player, even if you play for the Cunnamulla Cane Toads C grade, don’t be surprised if you get an equally desperate phone call like this:

“Howz it going …eh? Robbie Deans here, head Wallaby coach. Well, I will be as soon as I get a little thung out of the way called Super 14s.

“I may be out to see the Crusaders crush the Reds, the Tahs, the Brumbies and the Western Farce into the Dutch that separates one great country from a nation of bug heds, but after that I want you to know that you will have my complete loyalty… unless the All Blacks come crawling to my dressing room door.

“Now, it may come as some surprise, but you could be the next bug star, eh? So what if you are 118kg, with a hed like a squashed melon, never crossed the try line and are never likely to. Just take a look at your own national rugby prop Matt Dunning, who debuted in a 140-0 romp against Nambia ... and did not even score an opposition jersey after the hooter.

“If a chap who kicks a drop-goal against the Chiefs to knock his Super 12 side out of the semis can play 36 Tests for the Wallabies, what’s stopping you, eh?

“I’m on the lookout for fresh faces and we can’t really raid rugby league chaps any more, because about the only talent we haven’t poached are all fellow Kiwis. So here’s the go … sign up to the Robbie Deans 30-day trial and every week I’ll send you the same DVD coaching manual I’m posting out to all the existing Wallabies, who I’ll not be seeing until next May.

“Yes, and it does come with Aussie subtitles, a haka how-to guide, a bonus selection of All Black sheep jokes and the national anthem, God Defend New Zealand sung by our only successful exports, Dame Kiri te Kanawa, Dave Dobbyn, Nel Funn and Russell Crowe.

“So close the lid on the chully bun, kick off the jandals, pull on the footy boots and have a crack at the World Cup, why don’t you?

“Next time it’s in my own backyard, so I’ll be able to save you the cost of an ex-international tour guide, who is likely to be Peter FitSimons, who wouldn’t know the difference between a hobbit and Helen Clark.

“And don’t let the fact that I’m a Kiwi frighten you. We might go about poking tongues out all the time looking all ferocious, but once you get past that, we’re pretty harmless really.

“Now drop to the floor and give me sux of the beast for a wee while… eh?”