So former Aussie bat Dean Jones thinks Australia should still tour Zimbabwe to help take the locals’ minds off their daily cares. No doubt he would have been one of the first to lead a tour party to watch our boys in action.

What a pity our government pulled the plug. Imagine the little gems we could have gleaned from Deano’s Tour Diary:

Dear Diary, Touch down Harare today. Harrowing flight. Cotour leader SW insisted chugging beers as great way to avoid jet lag. SW went missing. Later found in toilets showing hostess his zooter. Trouble back at airport before take-off.

Our Aussie boys, who were on same flight, were posing for team photo. Accosted by dodgy character. Poncy political type showing off man boobs. He started yelling in their faces: “Heck no! Don’t go!” Ricky looked worried. Probably thought it was Mark Latham. Gilly told him to just ignore — is only foreign minister.

Dear Diary, Harare pretty much the same as I recall — the bits that could be seen through razor wire. Country in grip of fitness craze. Saw lots of people pushing old cars. Others sprinting in front of running coaches – these well-dressed types with batons and dogs. Competitors must be marathon runners — all painfully skinny. Great incentive to run fast — bitten if you fall.

Dear Diary, Day two. Fears of starvation and oppression appear groundless. Harare Hilton menu just fine. SW pleased baked beans considered delicacy here. All the staff very polite. Leg irons slow them down a bit. Saw strange local custom on TV news.

Seems latest fashion among opposition politicians here to wear tyres around neck. Then tyres set on fire? Must respect local customs. SW, being culturally sensitive, takes sauna with hotel bar hostess to soothe international tension. Shows her his flipper.

Dear Diary, Just back from the Aust official tour reception with the Pres. RM so popular has armed guards to stop loyal subjects smothering with adulation. RM seems to like sport. Not sure if feeding opposition to lions will make Olympics? Afterwards toured well-run, modern productive farm owned by white farmers. Did not know South Africa border so close.

Dear Diary, It’s game on. Aust played first ODI. Bad umpire shortage. RM insists on standing in. And setting our boys’ field. And removing any hecklers. Third ump taken out back and shot for overruling RM decision. Running between wickets good.

Helped by stray machinegun spray. Crowd control murder here. Haydos finds it hard getting in on sticky wicket as RM puts finger up for first triple hat-trick ever. Game over. We lose. But RM decides to have a hit. Bats on and on and on. Bowlers knackered after RM insists Punter’s boys bowl lollypops.

He hits them for six until midnight. Only highlight a streaker. That political bloke back at airport, AD, runs out buck naked. Tries to hurdle stumps. Snagged by fishnet stocking. Falls flat on face and moons RM. One buttock painted with “Mugabe’s a Monster”.

The other, for home TV audience, “Rudd’s a Dud”. AD demands diplomatic immunity in front of firing squad. Ricky decides it’s time to declare – period. RM says they’re not going anywhere until he gets right result. SW nowhere in sight. Later surfaces in Sun City jacuzzi showing knockout casino croupier his wrong’ un.