Imagine if rugby were to go back to the drawing board and re-appoint shock jock Alan Jones as Wallabies coach

This might be the first team session with the former school master:

Alan Jones strides into the dressing room. He stares at the whiteboard. “What in God’s name is this contraption! Where’s the blackboard?”

Matt Dunning: “It’s a whiteboard Coach – you can send straight to your computer off it.”

Jones: “I know where I’ll send you, sonny! You can go straight to the headmaster’s to write a thesis, ‘Why Australia’s Scrum Sucks’ 300 times!”

He then picks up the pen distastefully and writes rapidly: Mr Alan Belford Jones, AO.

“That is my name, remember and revere it, but you will call me, Sir!

Lote Tuqiri pipes up: “I already remember you – I think – didn’t you used to drive F1 motor cars?”

Jones: “No! But I’ve been around long enough to remember when you used to score tries. Now get out! Run along back to the Broncos until you remember how to motor.”

He throws his pen at Stirling Mortlock, who is giving an exiting Lote “the forks” behind his back.

“Now, these are the rules: only speak when I say so and if you want to know something other than the pearls of rugby wisdom dripping from my mouth, put your hand up. If you want a favourable comment, well that could cost you dearly.

“Now I’ve been reading your French report cards and they all say the same thing – ‘Has above-average talent but does not apply himself … also has trouble with English lessons!’ Well, not when I’m around! I didn’t win 23 Tests, the ’84 Grand Slam and the genius ’86 Bledisloe Cup triumph in NZ by hanging about with losers.

“By the end of the term I expect quite a few of you will be back on struggle street as dole bludgers, along with the Wallabies defence coach, attack coach, maul coach, scrum coach, deportment adviser and spiritual guru I’ve just put the cleaners through.

“Now, I want you to meet some old boys I’ve invited back to help fix things up – Mark Ella, Noddy Lynagh, Nick Farr-Jones and Peter FitzSimons. They are all back in the team as of now.”

“Berrick Barnes – you can go stand in the corner while Noddy takes over at fly-half and Fitzy will be doing the odd line-out as his book signings allow.”