Kiwi film-making wizard Peter Jackson is down in the dumps – his personal esteem lower than Bilbo Baggins’ foot bunions.

His psychiatrist asks what’s wrong?

“Doc, the studios just pulled the funding on my latest movie. So I think I’ll do something low-budget called ‘New Zealand – The World’s Biggest Loser’.”

“That should play well to the Aussie audiences?”

“It’s an expose on our tortured sporting psyche. It will be a documentary – I thought about calling it ‘Kiwi Sport is Crap – An Inconvenient Truth’ but Al Gore would probably sue and we’d lose.”

“This is madness! We are one of the great underdog nations who always punch above our weight!”

“But we’re not world beaters, Doc! My wife has burnt her netball skirt in shame at losing to Australia by four lousy goals – from world champs to chumps. What have we won in a sporting contest lately?”

“Well, I haven’t read the sports pages – not since my workload quadrupled after the Rugby World Cup created mass psychosis.”

“That’s just part of our problem. The league boys got touched up by the Poms three zip with a 44-0 pasting to boot. We just keep losing. I mean to say, what has golfer Michael Campbell done since winning the US Open and the World Matchplay Championship in 2005? He couldn’t make a cut if he owned a knife factory!

“Doc, we had a world-class cricket captain, touted as the best, but Stephen Fleming is no more. And what happens when Daniel Vettori becomes head Black Cap – a 358-run shellacking at the hands of South Africa. We used to have the world’s best sailors and proved it with our fancy America’s Cup wins.

“Well, it seems we still do, Doc, even though the Swiss boat Alinghi whipped our butts 5-2 this year. The fact that the Swiss skipper Brad Butterworth was one of us Kiwis, only made it worse.”

“But what about sheep dog trials, Peter? Surely we are world beaters there!

“Doc, at the last world championships in 2005, Gordon Watt and his eight-year-old mutt York of England swept all before them and are back next year to defend the titles in Wales. Not only that, but rumours persist that our Kiwi team in past contests, after the dogs did their traditionally intimidatory greeting, the Barka, were found to have cheated. I’m been told the sheep they corralled were all given Prozac!”

“Peter, perhaps we can turn our negatives into something to be proud of. Just look at the enormous rousing reception our All Blacks boys received when they flew back into the country from France with their tails between their legs! That must tell you something. We are the world’s greatest chokers!”

“Can I go now, Doc? Russell Crowe wants to talk to me about narrating the film – anyone who will take on South Sydney is perfect for lost causes.”