Welcome to another consultation in the wonderful world of Weird Sports Science.

This week on the dissection table we are about to interview a rather dicky body-part of occasional Australian player and all-round physical wreck Shane Watson.

Yes, in homage to the Reader’s Digest educational articles such as “I Am Joe’s … (insert vital organ or anatomical area of interest)” – as in “I am Joe’s Kidney” – we bring you “I am Shane’s Hammy”.

The Spray: “You’ve done it again – a Twenty20 World Cup tournament to be won and what happens? You wimp out big time, as per usual!”

Shane’s Hammy: “Don’t you start. I’m sick to my torn tendon hearing all that crap about how I’m just not up to it. The next person to say I dogged it … I’LL …”

TS: “You’ll what!”

SH: “I’ll … I’ll … go to pieces … again … oh, the shame, Shane!”

TS: “Just look at yourself … you belong to the most awesome bit of biomechanics in world cricket, apart from Shane Warne’s texting digit. The rest of Shane Watson is built like a Greek Adonis, and then there’s you.

“You crack under pressure faster than an Aussie Davis Cup team playing Uzbekistan.”

SH: “It’s just not fair! You let the side down a couple of times and suddenly you have a bad reputation and Ian Chappell on your case saying that you should never play for Australia again!

“Chappelli is an outspoken advocate for refugees these days, so he should know better. I’m the biggest outcast there is around the Aussie dressing room. Not even Shaun Tait’s tennis elbow is talking to me!”

TS: “Well, what do you expect … you’ve got form … unfortunately all of the wrong kind. I hear the team physio Errol Alcott is no longer referring to a grade two hamstring tear as ‘doing a hammy’, but ‘doing a Watto’.”

SH: “Yeah, well he’s playing favourites like everyone else isn’t he? Punter’s hammy pops big time and you don’t hear talk behind his back.

“Mike Hussey’s hammy is terminal, but he’s likely to be back for the second Test against the Sri Lankans in Hobart on November 16.

“The hammies of both Brad Hodge and Brad Haddin are battling to keep up with the pace, but no-one’s writing them off. So why pick on me?”

TS: “Some in the team think that your ‘bad luck’ is contagious – with every tweak you weaken the mindset of the team and that’s why the world champions are dropping faster than the Pommie rugby team’s world ranking.”

SH: “Well, if I didn’t have this ice pack strapped to me 24/7, I’d really flex my muscle and smarten them up!

“What have I done to deserve this bum wrap? I’m not an axe murderer … or worse … Roy Symond’s liver. I’ve never turned up to a game fielding in cover full of grog, nor like Warnie’s index finger, made rude gestures from a balcony at the Pommie crowds.

“All I’ve ever done wrong is be a little bit inflexible … but I don’t snap anywhere near the number of time’s as Stu MacGill’s temper. So give me a break … er, let me rephrase that … another chance.”

TS: “But you’ve had more chances than you’ve made runs and your rehab sessions outnumber your wicket tally.

“So tell me, if they did pick you for the series against Sri Lanka … and that’s a big if … what would you’re chances be of completing the game? 50-50?”

SW: “Try Twenty20.”