Memo: To the Club Player Welfare Officer.

From the Chairman.

Thank you for sending me the toxicology report, sample B of player (name deleted as per club privacy policy), dated February 5, 2004.

I read with some interest that (name deleted as per club privacy policy)’s results from the in-house testing of the urine sample has found high levels of illicit substances.

I find your flippant remark “enough to make our entire end-of-season tour party start salivating” reckless and no doubt actionable if this report of yours was, to say, leak out to the players.

I agree with you that it is disturbing that (name deleted as per club privacy policy) has tested positive.

It shows that we have been paying the lad far too much money.

The lab report says there was so much methylamphetamine in his system that this man was “a walking rave party”.

I cannot take a report with such loaded language to the board – they might do something.

I remind you that (name deleted as per club privacy policy) is one of our most bankable assets and any adverse findings would not be good for our product – so could you please replace “a walking rave party” with “high on life”.

I’m sure somewhere, in some drug lab soon, they will be inventing a drug called “life”.

And you may care to rephrase the following:

“This player seems to have taken a pill for everything – our testing has detected traces of uppers to help him get out of bed; downers to bring him back down; barbiturates to put him to sleep; and a drug to cure his addictive tendencies – though we’re not too sure how effective this one is, as he seems to really like it and has started abusing.

“There are definite traces of steroids that the diuretic could not mask – as well as enough traces of fake tan, hair restorer, nicotine and Viagra in his system to trigger Shane Warne Syndrome.

“This is easily detected – early symptoms include toxic texting shock, a propensity to go around singing ‘I’m Too Sexy for My Shirt’ in seedy London nightclubs to buxom women, and stunted emotional and intellectual growth.

“From our findings, we believe the only thing he has an aversion to is training, growing up and random breath tests.”

Twaddle! I have carried out my own testing with (name of player deleted as per club privacy policy) over several long lunches and found him to be a thoroughly sober young man – at least when the appetisers arrived. I usually don’t remember anything after that.

So I am ordering you to delete the following before the next board meeting: “(player name deleted as per privacy policy) is considered no hope. He is too high risk for EST (electric shock therapy) because he is bound to keep on wanting more and more and it is too late to give him a lobotomy, as he has already self-administered that.”