Welcome to the psychedelic world of Andrew “Joey” Johns, known as Apocalypse Wow!

It starts out innocently enough. He’s in a bar … again. Some cover band is playing Concrete Blonde.

“Joey, baby – don’t get crazy, detours, fences … I get defensive, I know you’ve heard it all before – so I don’t say it any more, I just stand by and watch you fight your secret war. Oh, Joey, if you’re hurting so am I. And if you’re somewhere out there passed out on the floor, Joey I’m not angry any more.”

Andrew mumbles: “Yeah, well plenty of others are. They don’t know me … nobody knows me … not even me. Anyway, you sound like my old coach … Joey, lay off the juice … it’s doing you no good. I say, whatever gets you high, gets you by.

“I’m not wired for sound, man, I’m speeding ... get your motor running, head out on the highway, like a true Newcastle child, I was born, born to be wild and I’m flying so high … I see God ... looks a lot like me ... I chip over the top of Him and score. I am the reeeaaal thang … ooh na na na nah ooh na na na nah.

“Woah! Man get a load of those crazy colours in that exploding mushroom cloud! Awesome! Oh, no! Destruction and mayhem ... people lying in gutters throwing up, their skin falling off and hair falling out … it’s either a Mad Monday or the end of the world.”

A voice cuts into his head: “Actually, it looks like Cronulla beach and this time the rioting is all your fault. You’ve set everyone off on a bad trip ... this is the fallout from your brain explosion.”

Andrew: “Do I know you?”

Voice: “I’m David, remember? I thought we had an understanding. You were the poster pin-up boy and I run the show and nobody got hurt. People got tested and only the odd one out failed. And then you had to get busted by a London Tube cop and it all came unstuck … you spilt your guts on the Footy Show.”

Andrew: “So that was real? I thought it might have just been another bad … episode … I get these really scary Gus Gould flashbacks all the time.”

Voice: “Well, that’s what it’s like working for Channel 9. You get used to it after a while … believe me.

“Look, I’d really love to stay and feed your paranoid delusions, but I’ve got my own to deal with … not the least of which is that I’m only your hallucination.

“People are actually demanding that we start being accountable – from the referees right up. It looks like spreading panic through the NRL ranks worse than a sneeze in a stable on Melbourne Cup Day.

“Man, it’s all starting to come unstuck … I don’t know how to deal with all this.”

Andrew: “Bummer! You sure know how to bring a bloke down right away.”

Voice: “Well it’s not my fault! My dad wouldn’t play ball with me … ever! So when I grew up, I switched the grand final to the evening and he’s still choking on his beer!”

Andrew: “Dave, I really think you need to chill out. Here, try one of these.”

Voice: “What is it?”

Andrew: “It’s aspirin.”

Voice: “What if I get hooked?”

Andrew: “It won’t happen. I used for 12 years and never got taken from the field once.”