Forget the Bourne Supremacy, the biggest spy thriller in the world of covert operations today is the Eddie Enigma.

Come with me to gay Paris, where on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower at three minutes to midnight, a secret rendezvous is taking place.

A man with a trench coat and an eyebrow to rival the Arc de Triomphe is pacing around nervously. A shady character passes by and whispers: “It is particularly cool for this time of year monsieur, no?”

Eddie Jones, former Wallaby coach and South African turncoat, responds: “Not as freezing as the Aussie dressing room whenever I walk in. Are we alone?”

Stranger: “I think you are the most alone person on the planet. My men have swept the area, the place is clean, except for the daggers in your back.”

And with that John O’Neill, ARU CEO, steps into the overhead lighting and pats Eddie on the shoulder.

“You’ve had a tough time, Eddie, living a lie for so long, but deep cover is like that. Why don’t you come in from the cold, mon ami?”

“Thanks, John, but I’ve got a job to do. I’ve only half buggered the Springboks and their World Cup chances. I want to finish what I started – just like Queensland. I didn’t let any of you down there, did I?”

“No, Eddie, you did good. Restored the balance of power in the interstate clash to its rightful place – NSW. We knew we could rely on you. Now, anything to report from the enemy camp?”

“Yes, South African forwards are big, ugly… they all think might is right and at least one of them wants to be the next governor of Texas.

“Look John, I know you’ve got Australian rugby’s interests at heart, but did you really have to have Rocky Elsom trash my reputation like that – saying that I turned the Wallabies into the most boring side in the world, that I was a control freak who paralysed all the players’ natural attacking flair because they feared if they made a mistake I would peg them out over an ant bed coated in honey?”

“But you did do that, Eddie, didn’t you – many still bear the scars from the bull-ant bites?”

“Yes, well you have to set the team parameters from the word go.”

“Exactly, and we knew that to get Bill, we had to orchestrate your total disintegration – destroy your credibility as a coach in Australia, make you an outcast and then trawl you on the world rugby scene like a live bait. Fortunately, or unfortunately, you made that possible for us by losing the World Cup in Australia against the Poms in the first place.”

“You know John, South African head coach Jake White said at training the other day, ‘Those who refuse to learn from their past mistakes are destined to repeat history’. I think it might be a secret code or something. Do you think he’s working for the French?”

“Eddie, you’re jumping at shadows, he was just reciting the Kiwi’s regular World Cup semi-final game plan. Look what I’ve got for you to help keep in touch from the sideline – your very own shoe phone … with the Get Smart ring tone!”

“Ahh gee, I wanted the Dick Tracy wrist radio.”

“Also, I’m sorry Eddie but your request for a poison-tipped umbrella has been refused – we’re afraid you’d test it out on Knuckles Connolly. Now, do you want to hear your next assignment after this?”

“Not Fiji I hope – I’ve had enough of coups”.

“No, it’s the ultimate assignment – we want you to infiltrate the South African Super 14s system and completely destroy it.”