God damn you, Channel 9. I think I’ll have you charged with criminal intent.

There I was, minding my own business, lying in bed in the coronary care unit of the Nambour General Hospital, trying to stay alive, and you do that to me.

The last thing a guy wired up to heart monitor needs is a bloody rude shock from the Nine commentary team.

I had been watching the Broncos lose their gelding status on my hire TV as they gave it to the compliant Cows.

I should have been in my element at home – live footy, cold beer and something I thought I’d never see again … a Brisbane pack so dominant I half expected big Carl Webb to roll over and think of England.

Let me briefly tell you how a bad day went to hell. For starters, I did something you should never ever do. I told the truth to doctors. I’d been doing my usual run on Coolum Beach when my heart went out of whack.

Nothing unusual about that. It’s happened before and it usually passes in minutes.

This time I nearly passed out. After about half an hour I felt okay, but my brain function was obviously impaired, because I went to a doctor.

As soon as I got the words “heart” and “scare” out, I was whisked up to hospital. Despite protesting that I was “fine”, the doctors put me in for 24-hour observation.

Hell’s bloody bells. There’s goes the @#$%&* football bliss I had planned that night! Sadists!

So I lay sulking watching Channel 9. Laurie Daley was only slightly nauseating, Ben Ikin, as usual, had me reaching for the barf bag, but it was Gus that really got my vital signs racing.

I broke out into a clammy sweat as he gushed obscenities like “best Broncos tackling performance in years”, “Peter Wallace is the best Bronco buy since Glenn Lazarus” and the real heart-attack material, “I’m standing and applauding this Broncos’ defence”.

It’s a wonder the nursing staff did not come screaming in with the shock paddles straight away. Of all the low acts.

The one pleasure I have is hating every word Gus utters … and he even tries to take that away.

But I took heart from his gall. If Gus is saying nice things like “Queensland supports rugby league more than NSW”, it means one thing – he must be getting ready to coach the Cockroaches again.

Watch out Craig and bring it on baby!