What is it with Aussie PMs and sport? It’s like every national league comp/cricket series is a photo “op” with free ringside seats and a chaff bag to boot, paid for by the public purse.

Shameless Don Bradmanophile John Howard started it, Kevin Rudd is in O7 Heaven in a cricket commetator’s box and I’m afraid it could only get worse as the rugby league Centenary Test and State of Origin draws near.

Imagine this: The would-be next PM, Brendan Nelson, is looking pleased with himself.

His political minder notices the hint of a smirk and thinks his boss has finally lost it all together.

“You seem particularly chuffed this morning Sir, in light of the popularity polls showing that you’re neck-and-neck with Collingwood and Eddie McGuire in the things-Aussies-hate-most stakes.”

“Stuff the polls – I’ve finally had a win – I picked eight out of eight in the office NRL tipping competition. It shows I’m an expert on something at last. Why don’t we call a press conference and announce the good news … alternative PM has finger on the footy pulse.”

“Sir, everyone knows anyone doing that well this early in the season does not know his grapple tackle from a John Hopoate wedgie.

“Besides, nobody likes a smart alec … unless they went to school in Nambour and speak fluent Mandarin. You’d alienate at least half of the 9% of poor sods who prefer you as PM … the ones that are averaging about two to three out of eight in the weekly footy tips.”

“I tried taking the Aussie heartbeat on the national listening tour but I fell flat on my face, thanks to those stupid trainer wheels you insist I wear everywhere. Look I must do something to raise my profile and sport’s the way to go.”

“Sir, you’ve already offered to help support the Davis Cup team in Townsville, but Tennis Australia said they had enough ball boys. I don’t think the built-up heels are giving you the right sort of stature.

“We could start by explaining your trainer wheels as the first step towards a cycling tilt to help Robbie McEwan retake the Tour de France green sprinter’s jersey.”

“The Tour de what?”

“Look, Sir, you’re due to announce your reply to Quentin Bryce being named the first female governor-general … perhaps we could tack on to that a bit about how you heartily approve of Wayne Bennett’s move to coach the St George Illawarra Dragons.”

“Yes, how about something like … my fellow sports-mad Australians … it’s time we had flirted with something daring … that’s why, when elected, I will be kicking everyone’s favourite old Dragon Quentin Bryce out of the G-G’s digs in Admiralty House in Sydney for her to face a fresh challenge in the last of the old boys’ club.

“In a truly bold move for women’s empowerment, Ms Bryce will be invited to take up one of the half dozen vacant NRL coach positions and may well replace Mal Meninga as the next State of Origin coach if all you bozos north of the border who voted for Kevin Rudd last time drop the ball again

“Her spot as the Queen’s representative will be taken by Wayne Bennett, as long as he has the power to dismiss anyone he does not feel like talking to. As they say in China … sayonara.”