The great football player sits hiding behind the green curtain, peeking out.

A nurse at the hospital ward spots him and asks what he is doing. Draining a beer, the star, who has handled pressure situations on the field, pulls himself together.

Spotting that the room is full of sick children with shaved heads, he tries a speculator.

“I…I’ve…ah come to visit the sick kiddies. Surely you must recognise me from the Footy Show.”

A kid yells out: “Hey nurse, that’s Mad Dog. Wow! I have your grand final poster on my wall…you know the one where you eye-gouged that bloke.”

Mad Dog: “That was never proven. I was just trying to help get some dirt out of the bloke’s eye, when it just sort of popped out. If I hadn’t, they would never have x-rayed his noggin’ and found the brain tumour that saved his sorry life.”

Kid: “Yeah, you’re a real hero Mad Dog.”

Nurse: “Mr Mad Dog, it’s almost 6am…visiting time finished 10 hours ago.”

MD: “Yeah, well I had to make a mercy dash and rush one of my mates to the emergency ward. He accidentally walked into a flurry of punches from the bouncers at a local night club...after the drive-by shooting.”

Nurse: “You don’t appear to be in any state to drive.”

MD: “That’s what the cops said before I managed to give the motorbike cop…who was trying to give us a police escort…the slip. Look, I thought I’d just come here and inspire the kiddies as a role model.”

The next minute the player lunges over a sick bed and king hits a figure standing over a young, distressed patient.

Nurse: “What the hell!”

MD: “Exactly. Who does that clown think he is…frightening the little ones.”

Nurse: “That was Dr Patch Adams, the celebrity clown doctor who is cheering up the upset littlies.”

MD: “Geez, how’s a bloke to know?

Kid: “Wow, are they teeth on your knuckle?”

MD: “Yeah, looks like the front two, maybe instead of gluing on a rubber nose, Patch should have been wearing a mouthguard.”

On a bedside TV, the 6am news comes on: “Police are looking for one of Australia’s best known footballers after he is believed to have bashed up a team mate, who he was best man for at the injured player’s recent wedding.

"Police said both the attacker and the injured player were last seen at the Royal Hospital after the crazed assailant was partially stunned into submission with a taser. He later escaped custody, stopping only long enough to raid the nurse’s beer fridge.”

Kid: “Is that you?’

MD: “No way, I’ve already organised for one of my mates to confess. Now listen up to Mad Dog kiddies. I have some good advice. Don’t do…

Kid: “We already know…don’t do drugs.”

MD: “No, don’t do interviews, especially if they involve the police or the media. Look, I have to go, I might head around and comfort my crook mate’s missus, she must be in a terrible state. Does anybody know a way out of here?”