I never believed in evil spirits, other than the OP Beenleigh Rum I once overdosed on.

That changed when I started hearing voices. My Warnie doll came to life early and started saying things… nasty, spiteful things… and doing things…sneaky, hurtful things.

I then realised I was in some bad, schlock horror movie where Pinocchio meets Poltergeist and becomes a satanic stalker. I’ll slip it in the DVD so you can take a look.

Title roles on to screen “Warnie’s Flay” (Apologies to Chucky and Child’s Play).

Scene 1: Scott Muller, discarded Australian bowler, wakes up from his usual nightmare in a cold sweat, those nasty words ringing in his ear – “Can’t bowl! Can’t throw!” A familiar and nagging voice repeats it over and over, along with “‘the baked beans are kicking in”.

Scott: “Who’s that? Is someone there? Strange, where did that Warnie doll come from?”

Doll: “I’m back. You didn’t really think you could threaten me with legal action did you and get away with it? I’ve seen what you’ve done with all those other Warnie dolls you’ve been buying on eBay, sticking them with voodoo pins ... and they call me a sick puppy. After I do you, I’m going for Joe the Camera Man to tidy up my loose end.”

Scott: “Stay away from me! Noooo!”

Scene 2: The police inspector looks at the body on the slab after the autopsy.

Cop: “What happened?”

Doc: “The victim was grossed to death. He saw something so disgusting, his heart failed.”

Cop: “I figured something like that. We found a toy cell phone at the scene of the crime that the perp left with some of the most obscene suggestions I’ve ever seen. We gotta get this guy, before he gets his jollies from some other poor stiff.”

Scene 3: Adam Gilchrist is in the dressing room alone. He opens his locker and picks up the Warnie doll with a fag in its mouth and finger raised obscenely.

Gilly: “Haydos! Is this your idea of a joke?”

Doll: “Gilly’s got to go! Gilly’s got to go! For calling me a fat so-and-so! For calling me a fat so-and-so! Everyone knows I was the better vice-captain, pal, and would have been the ultimate Captain Vice rather than Steve Waugh’s Captain Nice. I’d really like to stay and chew your ear, but I’ve got a coach to catch.”

Sound of screaming.

Scene 4: Buck Buchanan is relaxing when he hears a tiny voice: “The only good coach is the one that takes you to the cricket ground.”

Buck: “Who said that?”

Doll: “Here’s Warnie! Look at me now Johnny, see my prosthetic rock jaw! Am I fit enough to play for Australia now? Not that you ever did … because selectors hate gooses … especially ones with verbal diarrhoea who live in pixie-land! When was the last time they made a doll out of you, pal! You … you don’t seem to be afraid of me? What are you doing … put me down …or I’ll tell my mother to give you a pill!”

Buck: “Fascinating… Shane, you’re probably a more well-rounded person than ever before… less plastic… not monosyllabic.”

Doll: “There you go again …enough with the fat jokes. Oh no! He’s found my mute switch ….”

Deathly silence.