We interrupt this broadcast of the Adam Gilchrist All Stars Twenty/20 benefit to bring you a message from the PM.

“My fellow Australians – I have grim news from overseas. I won’t sugar coat this – Australia’s cricket world dominance is dead, killed on the sub-continent by a bunch of Indians whose cricket board run the show.

“Not even those 12 wickets by the bloke not even our selectors knew existed could save our sorry, well-kicked butts. You know, Australia’s slide from the top of the world sporting heap started with the previous government. Thanks to them, our mighty Kookaburras are now laughable jackasses after a lousy bronze in Beijing and the once invincible Hockeyroos were Chinese stew.

“It was pointed out to me that the Poms, who took 19 gold to our 14 at the Games, so I had Treasury revise the figures to take into account exceptional circumstances. On a performance per capita basis, we again outshone the Brits.

“The rather depressing news is that we still came in sixth in the world behind Jamaica, Slovenia, Bahrain, New Zealand and Estonia.

“With Australia again monstering minnows in the rugby league World Cup, there should be much to take heart from there … if only anyone cared.

“But better days are ahead. My government will rescue our sporting stocks.

“Every Australian household will receive an Invincible Aussie Sports package that will contain fridge magnets with the word “Don’t Panic!” on it, signed by treasurer Wayne Swan with old film footage of him running out as captain of Nambour High footy side.

“We will have an inquiry about why the previous government did not have an inquiry into that Ashes loss and will display ex-captain Ricky Ponting’s head on pike after his Fourth Test tactics in Nagpur. We propose to make conscription of Shane Warne into the next Ashes Test compulsory and we will be outsourcing our swimming team to the Americans … with Michael Phelps our designated one-man acquisition. That should give us at least two more gold medals in London in 2012 than our entire team managed in Beijing.

“And if all else fails, we will provide everyone with 12 months pay TV sports subscriptions – watching endless hours of visual excrement like Patagonian goat-herding playoffs, will cure anyone of an unhealthy sports addiction.”