The world anti-doping commission is looking at whether Viagra is a performance enhancing drug for sports people. What if it got into the wrong hands?

“Welcome to the premier episode of Enough Rope-A-Dope with your host Andrew Symonds.

“It’s sort of like Enough Rope with Andrew Denton, only a bit more sporty. When Fox Sports approached me to do this, I figured, what the hell … with my form, it’s not like I’ll be spending much time out in the middle ... even if I do play. And when they said the job came with a dressing room and a fully stocked mini-bar it was a case of better jump in quick.

“So, let’s welcome my first guest tonight, Wayne ‘Kiwi’ Bennett.

Wayne Bennett: “Good to be here, Andrew, I think.”

AS: “Thinking can be dangerous, Benny, I try to avoid it at all costs – just live in the moment. Just like the Kiwis did when they kicked Aussie ar.. (bleep!). Gee mate, it really must be Wayne’s World in every Auckland bar now.”

WB: “People seem to be happy over there.”

AS: “Mate, you better apply for Kiwi citizenship, because I’m telling you they’re not real happy with you at Suncorp Stadium.

WB: “I heard something about burning me in effigy.”

AS: “Is that right….what part of France was that in again? Must be where Casey McGuire is playing. Benny, how can you look at yourself in the mirror, mate, after Saturday night?”

WB: “Well, Andrew if you happen to ever read my new book you just so happen to be holding up, called the ‘The Man In The Mirror’ available at all ABC bookstores in time for Christmas, you’ll have your answer. Criticism never bothered me.”

AS: “Same here. Be yourself I say. Look Benny, what were those Kiwis on in the World Cup final – I haven’t seen blokes with so much bal.. (bleep!) between their legs … since I met that sheila PM of theirs at a cricket reception.”

WB: “It was our little secret, Roy. Actually my GP put me on to it. Comes in a little blue pill. You know I’d just been kicked where it hurts by the Broncos, as well as my prized heifer, and I just didn’t have that same get up and go. So the doc put me on a course of Viagra. I’m a packet-a-day man now. I thought if this can improve my performance, imagine what it might do for the New Zealand boys who always seem so down when they play Australia.”

AS: “Well it worked a treat. The Kiwi lads were really up for it and Billy Slater looked like you’d expect after a pack with plenty of mongrel in them had had their wicked way with him. They’ll have to start calling them Kangaroo sha(bleep!)s now. Thanks for dropping by, mate, and let me know when you put out a picture book.”

WB: “A pleasure Andrew. I’ll even include a section on drawing by numbers.”

AS: “Don’t bother, Benny, I can never connect the dots.”