Welcome to Enough Rope – I’m your host Andrew Denton, chief inquisitor with the knack of getting people to open up like some sort of cerebral gynaecologist.

My guest tonight, unlike his former coaching guru Wayne Bennett, is media savvy and even does TV interviews before State of Origin stuff ups.

Once the Red Hill apprentice, Craig Bellamy is, arguably, the master of all he perplexes.

His other fault is that he refuses to coach the Rabbitohs, but Rusty and I are working on it.

Russell is throwing offers with telephone number digits to come coach a fair dinkum traditional side. Craig, welcome to Enough Rope.

CB: “You seem to have it around my neck, you might as well kick the chair out.”

AD: “No, Craig, that comes later in the interview, after I’ve played with you.”

CB: “You’re too soft, kid, to last 10 minutes.”

AD: “Am I now? Well, how about you answering the allegation after the first Origin that you did the dirty on the Storm’s Maroon players? Ah ... I think I’ve just hit Craig with the verbal equivalent of a Les Boyd dominant tackle. See how he’s squirming in his chair, the sweat pouring all over his nervous tick. Craig, what’s the answer?”

Craig’s chest heaves and then his limbs fly in all directions before he straightens in his chair and composes himself.

AD: “Are you all right, Craig? What happened?”

CB: “Not a problem. I was just grappling with my conscience – not that we teach that sort of dirty trick at Storm coach training – but I got the better of things. I hit it with a chicken wing.”

AD: “Craig, you’ve done wonders at the Storm… so why are you losing Israel Folau to the Broncos, Michael Crocker to Hull FC and Antonio Kaufusi to the Cowboys? And if you are such a super coach, why is the speculation rife that Cam Smith wants out?”

CB: “It’s because I’m a total control freak who stifles all spontaneity in my players – all I ever do is get them to grind teams to a standstill and then clinically take them apart. It’s a damn blight on the game … I just bang on about bloody structure, I make my own self sick. What am I saying?”

AD: “You know that herbal tea you had in make-up? It’s nullified your left hand control of your brain, allowing your creative right to finally get a look in. Let her rip. Bare your sorry soul.”

CB: “I … hate coaching at the Storm. The blokes are alright but, bloody hell, we are based in Melbourne! I want to be free, I want my players to express themselves … God help me, I’m sounding like Robbie Deans, but it feels … nice. I say to the NRL, give me all your loose cannons, I want them to … speculate. Get a grip man! Listen to yourself, you’re a head case … worse than bleeding heart Benny!

AD: “Whoops folks, we were told by the Chinese herbalist that the left brain inhibitor would be brief. So what about Newcastle beating you guys the other night Craig. Any thoughts?”

CB: “No, but a lot of pain. The next time we meet those guys we’re hitting them with the Flying Wedge Total Take Down – a new little defensive move modelled on Custer’s Last Stand. Should work a treat.”

AD: “I’m sure it’s what the NRL has been asking for. Would you like me to kick the chair out from under you now. You know, give you something to thrash about?”

CB: “Why not? What doesn’t kill you wins you back-to-back premierships.”

AD: “Does it? You know the Broncos are still a shot. Well folks, there you have it, thanks to Craig’s awesome oral gagging gastric reflux, we can now rename the show Enough Froth.”