You may remember (but probably don’t) a Super Sub column back in January where I made some ‘fearless predictions’ about the year ahead.

Well, with the Olympics just around the corner, here’s a few things that may happen (but probably won’t) in Beijing.

Kayaking: The K4 1000m final is delayed for four days when Australian Luke Michael fires in another appeal just before the race to the Court of Arbitration for Sport over his non-selection. In scenes reminiscent of the ‘Lay Down Sally’ drama at Athens, Clint Robinson hops out of his kayak and gives Michael a massive bitch slap.

Men’s Swimming: Due to the finals being held in the morning to suit US TV, several swimmers opt to ditch the new Speedo suit and wear pyjamas instead. During the 1500 metres, Grant Hackett places a bowl of Weet-Bix on his starters block and takes a mouthful every second lap.

Women’s Swimming: Stephanie Rice attracts more media publicity than less glamorous teammate Jessica Schipper. This despite the fact Rice pulls out of the Olympics with a back injury, and Schipper breaks three world records.

Weightlifting: A Bulgarian competitor is sent home in disgrace when a drug test reveals there are no illegal substances in his system.

Men’s Tennis: In an unbelievable display of arrogance, Roger Federer beats Lleyton Hewitt in the men's singles using a table tennis racquet. He also wears jeans and a pair of thongs during the match.

Women’s Tennis: Maria Sharapova and the Williams sisters again generate headlines with their raunchy on-court fashion. However, everything they wear is deemed nowhere near as girly as the cardigan Roger Federer wore at Wimbledon.

Synchronised Swimming: Officials are in raptures when three people turn up to watch the finals, eclipsing the previous record of two.

Beach Volleyball: Broadcaster Channel Seven defends its practice of zooming in on the players’ backsides because they ‘want to show the viewers the hand signals the player at the net is giving the server'. Said viewers don’t care what the reason is, as long as they keep doing it.

Triathlon: Emma Snowsill and the other Australian competitors consume so much pollution during their races, they are put on Greenpeace’s top priority list.

50km Walk: Nathan Deakes bashes the living snot out of an official who disqualifies him for running. Deakes finally realises how stupid the sport is and announces his retirement, effective immediately.

Table Tennis: All table tennis players are banned from the Athletes Village, due to the fact they are not really athletes.