By the time you read this, I'll be on holidays. >>

Damian Bathersby knows even hard drugs can't ground fligh-fears. >>

Another clever plot to make my life a misery! >>

We've all done a spot of nude dancing. >>

It's scary what we can do in a virtual world. >>

Would you fake cancer to get off work? Stupid. Stupid. >>

Don't you just love clever, quirky quotes? >>

At least the Telstra computers don't call me mate. >>

It may be dazzling but it doesn’t tell the time. >>

There's something a little suss about smart pet stories. >>

Dismal failures and half-hearted performances make the world go around. >>

I'd pay money to see that sort of entertainment. >>

Even those ugly dames in Mount Isa. >>

It goes with my vodka and some wonderful Russian memories. >>

Typhoons and casinos and I'm in holiday heaven. >>

It's a politically-correct minefield for those funny Kiwis. >>

No Fernando, I can't hear the drums - mamma mia! >>

What? It's mindless, sexist dribble, you say? >>

Why have I suddenly become everyone's carer and nurturer? >>

But, really, is this guy's life worth $2 million? >>

What's with the manhugs, high-fives, chest bumps and butt slaps? >>

Don't you just hate day one of a new job? >>

Greenies claim us beef eaters are hurting the planet. >>

I just have to make sure I avoid the smorgasbord. >>

Whether it's for money or matchsticks, it's all good fun. >>

And I blame reality TV for making us soft. >>

Especially if it'll knock three cents off a cab fare. >>

Who knew a laptop wasn't some sort of dance? >>

Jet-setting's fine, but what about the washing? >>

Author got his info from a chick he was dating. >>

For years my motto was: “I’d rather walk than sweat.” >>

Can babysitting be that different to puppy sitting? >>

but I know what I like, and it's not Warhol. >>

I smelt a rat when Mike Monro came to visit >>

Harris the Yaris is the first that’s been brand new. >>

The words women use and what they actually mean ... >>

But the ladies in my life should probably stop here. >>

The world’s going to hell in a handbasket! >>

I got a phone call the other day to say a mate had died and to be honest, I couldn’t have been happier. >>

My wife's fallen in love and it's the wheel deal. >>

A few rums and next thing we're off to Kentucky. >>

She promises it will be better once I’m house-trained. >>

Racing to the toilet during ads is a national sport. >>

Since when did they let children into licensed venues? I’ve got underpants older than some of them. >>

For a start, I will not create a MySpace page. >>

I admit I enjoy the darker side of things. >>

I met my fans the other day – all three of them. >>

I’m writing this column in the middle of mayhem. >>

Many of you will know I am easily confused. It happened again the other day when I picked up the paper and read that >>

Poor dad didn't have a prayer ... well, maybe one. >>

People around the world are singing their grievances. >>

I just keep walking from one disaster to another. >>

Any place with a happiness index is okay by me. >>

And why I just tried to ignore her. >>

Call me sexist if you like, but I don't get fashion. >>

I keep telling people it’s a chick magnet – sex on wheels. >>

There’s just one rule: men at the hotplate, women in the kitchen. >>

Has anyone else noticed how boring our politicians have become? >>

Too many young lives are being snuffed out. >>

Like most men, I get easily confused. >>

Apparently, it's about time I exposed myself. >>

Let them out of the kitchen and suddenly they think they run the world, don’t they? >>

The older and wiser among us know that there is no such thing as giving one chip to one seagull. >>

I recently found myself spending the afternoon watching an Elton John concert on DVD. >>

It will come as a shock to many of you to learn that I have become … drum roll please ... a handyman! >>

We have now been voted the world’s worst lovers in a survey of women across the globe. >>

I have never been a big fan of animals sharing the bed with their owners. >>

It might come as a surprise to find that I am not about to have a shot at Warwick Capper over his plans to run for mayor of the Gold ... >>

Did you see that Shannon Noll is in trouble with the wowsers of the world for agreeing to be the “face” of the Australian Poker League? >>

Many years ago – so far back that flared pants were cool - I had a mate who worked as a glass collector at the old Broadbeach Hotel on the ... >>

From Paris Hilton's release to Spice Girls reunion, what a week! >>

Funny things happen in the newspaper game. Take the other day, for example, when we got a call-out to the scene of a dog killing. >>

I was talking to a bloke the other day who claimed he was a Sunshine Coast local. Because there’s not many of them around – not genuine ones anyway – ... >>

Have you ever seen one of those bumper stickers that says “We’re spending the kid’s inheritance” or something similar >>

Have you ever noticed how much impact an accent can have? Take a French accent, for example – very, very sexy. A French bloke could read pages from the dictionary ... >>

Yep, I’m still on holidays and having a good time apart from the rain. Did I mention we’ve gone camping. I thought you’d get a laugh out of that. So ... >>

I’mon holidays, all right? And yes, I should have written a column before I left. But I didn’t. So get over it. Anyway, here’s one from last year. You liked ... >>

It seems to me there are two types of people in the world – those who like having their feet rubbed and those who hate it. >>

I’m talking, of course, about news that thousands of Japanese have been swindled in a scam in which they were sold Australian and British sheep and told they were poodles. ... >>

I’m not the brightest bloke in the world when it comes to computers. “A few sandwiches short of a picnic,” my dad would have said. “Kangaroos loose in the top ... >>

I knew it would happen if I persevered long enough. I knew that if I bombarded you with fascinating stories about my life for months on end, one of you ... >>