“Why don’t you write a nice Christmas column?” my wife suggested.

“Something to wish your readers all the best for the festive season. A yuletide message of humanity and goodwill.”

I’m not sure what’s more scary – the fact she talks that way or that she thought I might write something nice.

Come on. Surely you’re all smart enough to know it’s Christmas without me reminding you. Or did you think that fat bloke in the red suit hanging around your local shopping centre was just the local crazy?

Personally, I’ve known Christmas was coming since about September, when the first bits if tinsel appeared in the shops.

September!!

It’s out of control.

We’ll have barely opened the last Christmas presents this year before someone in retail land starts getting the chocolate bunnies out of storage.

The first signs of Easter are popping up earlier than ever.

I’d say late February this year, mid-January in 2010 and by 2020 they’ll start getting the eggs on the shelves by about October.

So we could probably save a lot of messing around and just celebrate Easter in December.

I know that creates a clash on the festive calendar but by that stage the first signs of Christmas will have also crept forward to the point where we should be able to celebrate that around August.

Of course, that would force Father’s Day forward to July so there isn’t a burden on family purses, leaving the way clear for Mother’s Day to move to December, filling the gap left by the rescheduling of Christmas.

That would leave a small problem with Valentine’s Day, which I suggest could be split - the chocolate and jewellery industry celebrating in May (filling the gap left by the rescheduling of Mother’s Day) while florists and lingerie stores could fill the traditionally quiet November.

Any gaps left by this reshuffle could be filled with greater emphasis on American Thanksgiving (although that would now have to be held in February), Halloween (probably squeezed into April) and Lithuanian Independence Day (there’s still a vacancy in October).

By my reckoning, that just leaves March, June and September without a significant celebration.

With my birthday falling in September, could I humbly suggest the creation of an “International Damian Day”?

And I’m sure the retailing industry would be only too happy to squeeze a second Easter into March, leaving June free for a second Christmas celebration.

In fact, if some of the big guys of the retailing world get their act together, we could start doubling up by squeezing a couple of extra Valentine’s Days into some of the slower months.

Really, the sky’s the limit!

Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas as much as the next bloke but I have to admit I enjoy the darker side of things a little more than is probably healthy.

Like the 80-year-old British Santa who wants to break away from the “fat” stereotype because it’s giving kiddies a bad example.

This bloke has been doing the Santa routine for about 20 years but is suddenly refusing to stick a pillow down his suit because he wants to tackle childhood obesity.

I know, I know!

Christmas with a skinny Santa would be a bit like having to give your sister a present on Valentine’s Day – just not quite right except in a few remote parts of South Australia.

How about the “rogue elf” who has been sending filthy letters to Canadian children?

It seems the kiddies write to Santa, c/- the post office, and usually get a letter back wishing them a wonderful Christmas and making vague promises about their present wish list.

But one of Santa’s helpers has a bit of an attitude problem this year and a handful of reply letters have contained messages such as: “This letter is too long, you dumb shit.”

I can just see the “elf”, tucked away at his desk in a dark and long forgotten corner of the post office, venting his spleen in nasty letters to kiddies.

It makes me feel warm all over.