I have decided ... drum roll please ... to make a new year’s resolution.

Yep, I know. It doesn’t sound like a big deal but anyone who knows me well will appreciate the significance of that decision.

Normally, I just don’t do that sort of thing.

Except for last year when I promised myself I would get fit by the end of the year and promptly signed up at the gym ... but we don’t talk about that at home.

The direct debits should stop coming out of our bank account any day now and we’ll be able to afford to eat again.

Let’s just pretend it never happened, hey?

Somewhere about April – as another payment left our finances in tatters – I swore I would never make another new year’s resolution.

But this time it’s different.

This time I’m going to make a list of the things I’m not going to do in 2008.

In an attempt to salvage the remnants of my self-esteem, there are some things I vow I will not be doing this year.

I think a lot of you with similar self-esteem problems would find this whole new year’s resolution thing a lot easier if you followed my lead.

For instance, I promise myself I will not be watching any movie starring Nicole Kidman.

I know she’s as Aussie as kangaroo poo and we just love her to death and she did it tough with that whole Tom Cruise marriage thing but she just leaves me cold.

And talking of Tom Cruise, you can add that fruit loop to the list as well.

And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

In fact, anyone who’s had their face on the cover of a women’s magazine in the past decade.

Except Sandra Bullock, of course, because she is a goddess who can do no wrong.

And while we’re on the subject, I also promise that during 2008 I will not be reading any books about the lives of celebrities.

Especially Princess Di.

Oh come on people!

It’s not against the law to be sick and tired of hearing anyone who ever met her dishing out mindless dribble about what she was like, who she loved, why she was miserable, what she ate, what she didn’t eat, etc, etc, etc.

She’s gone ... move on.

That should uspet about 75% of the population.

While we’re talking about upsetting people, I also won’t be reading any self-help books or lists of personal affirmations.

I am not a powerful, radiant goddess who deserves proposerity, so why keep lying to myself?

If I ever become one, I promise you’ll be the first to know.

I will also not be watching any games of 20/20 cricket during 2008.

I don’t care who is playing. If I want to see some “hit and giggle” I’ll get the local primary school netball team down the beach with a cricket bat and tennis ball.

As far as I’m concerned, if the best cricket players in Australia are going to go to the trouble of getting their gear on, at least make it a real game.

I will also not be paying more than $10 for any music CD this year. If it’s not in the bargain bin – and thereby not produced before 1985 – then it’s not worth buying.

I work on the theory that any half-decent new release CD will eventually come down to $9.95.

It might take a few years but I’m a patient man. I’m still waiting for some of The Rolling Stones’ good stuff to become afforrdable.

I promise I will not create a MySpace site for myself – firstly because I am a technophobe who has absolutely no idea how they work and secondly because I can count my friends on one hand (go figure!) and would feel inadequate against some of those teenagers who claim to have enough friends to populate a small country.

And last, but certainly not least, I will not be turning vegetarian.

It’s about the only new year’s resolution I’ve ever made that I’ve been able to keep and I plan to stick by it again this year.

If God hadn’t meant us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat, would he?

Have a happy New Year everyone – especially you celebrity-loving, MySpace-using, radiant goddesses in search of prosperity.