Hands up everyone who enjoys a backyard barbie.

Yep, just as I suspected. All the blokes have gone: “Barbie? Who said barbie? I’ll bring the beer.”

Most of the women have said something along the lines of: “A barbie? Yeah, they’re nice I suppose, but they really can’t compare with a nice sit-down meal at a restaurant, can they?”

Come on, ladies. What’s not to like about having a couple of dozen friends around, throwing 50kg of dead animal onto a hotplate and burning it to a crisp?

Barbies are all about the meat, aren’t they?

We’ve all been to ones where someone has gone to the trouble of slipping slices of zucchini and fresh artichoke hearts onto the hotplate between the steak and the snags, haven’t we?

And what are the only things left when the last snag has been tossed to the neighbour’s dog?

Bloody zucchini and artichoke hearts, of course!

Barbecues are all about meat.

It doesn’t have to be top-notch steak. I’ve been to barbies where someone’s picked up a bit of roadkill on the way over and whacked it on the hotplate.

By the time you’ve had half a dozen beers there’s not much difference between sirloin steak and a nice piece of wombat.

And barbies are a great social leveller, aren’t they.

You don’t have to worry about which fork to use for your entrée or whether the spoon is there for the soup or the dessert.

Nope. There’s only one rule at a backyard barbie – men gather around the hotplate and the women bugger off to the kitchen.

It’s the law.

If you look closely, you’ll find that barbecue etiquette is part of that citizenship test the government is using on new migrants.

And if it’s not, it bloody well should be.

It’s not a difficult concept but there are some clear guidelines.

Before you head over to the neighbour’s/mate’s/complete stranger’s place for a barbie, the woman of the house goes out to buy the meat (with the exception of aforementioned roadkill, which can be collected enroute).

If she wishes to waste time, she can also make a salad and a dessert but neither is necessary.

Beer, of course, is picked up at a bottleshop on the way.

At the venue, the lady of the house takes all the meat and places it on a tray – which usually results in you getting a piece of old stewing steak while your best mate’s lousy brother-in-law ends up with your prime rib.

With the help of the other women, the lady of the house will also lay out the necessary cooking utensils – although one fork is all you really require – and carry the whole lot out to where the men have the barbie hot.

Now here is an important step which can ruin the day if not done properly ... the man places the meat on the grill.

Please note that this is a vital job which should not be entrusted to an amateur – or a woman.

Don’t worry about trying to time things. Stick all the meat on at the same time and when the thickest stuff is cooked you can take the whole lot off.

While this is happening, the lady folk should be inside organising plates and cutlery (once again, optional) – emerging every now and then to warn the menfolk that the meat is burning.

The head man (always the one who owns the barbecue) will eventually take the meat from the hotplate and pass it to the women who will serve it up (children and grandparents first).

When everyone has eaten, the women will clear the tables and retreat inside to wash up and make coffee (women only) while the men have another beer.

Throughout this entire process there is absolutely no need for the men to leave the immediate vicinity of the barbecue.

Finally, an important hint for novices – before you head home, make sure you duck into the kitchen (after the washing up is finished, of course) and tell the lady of the house what a great effort her husband put in.

While you’re at it, ask her how she felt “having a night off”.

All pretty simple, really.

Who’s up for a barbie at my place?