It really isn’t fair.

Here I am, in the middle of a fairly strict diet that’s unrealistically low on dead animals, and they announce that if we really care about the planet we have to give up meat altogether.

I’d kill for a slab of cow right now but it seems I would be putting the future of mankind at risk if I dared even look sideways at a beast, much less attempt to wrap my teeth around one that’s strayed from the herd.

Oh, I’m sorry. Here I am carrying on like a pork chop and you’ve got no idea what I’m talking about.

(Memo to self: Add pork chops and slab of steak to post-diet grocery list.)

I found out the other day that they reckon we Aussies who enjoy tucking into a big, juicy steak are having a significant impact on climate change.

Some mob calling themselves the Supreme Master Ching Hai Association say we should all go vegetarian to save the planet.

Oh come on guys!

I’m a scooter rider.

Haven’t I done my bit for the environment already?

I don’t know anything about this Supreme Master Ching Hai Association but I’m not about to make fun of it because it sounds very much like one of those martial arts mobs whose members could kill me in 27 different ways.

Anyway, this mob – which describes itself as a non-profit spiritual and humanitarian organisation – has apparently launched an advertising campaign linking the methane emissions of cows with global warming.

I can tell you right now, there’s nothing very humanitarian about depriving me and my kind from having a slab of steak.

And I’m not the sort of bloke who can be kept me in the dark and fed bullshit.

(Memo to self: Fresh mushrooms would be very nice with that slab of steak ... after the diet, of course.)

This Supreme Master Ching Hai Association is urging people to do three things to save the planet – reduce power consumption, reduce transport emissions and reduce meat consumption.

I’m cool with the first two but they reckon going vegetarian will have the largest impact in the shortest period of time.

Campaign spokesman Gerry Bisshop reckons nearly a third of our greenhouse emissions come from cows.

And there I was, thinking it was all my fault.

“They eat all day and burp all day. Not much out the other end but they burp a lot,” he says.

Apparently there are more cows in Australia than people and each one produces 300 litres of methane every day.

Methane, it seems, is 25 times more potent as a greenhouse gas pollutant than carbon dioxide.

“So you can be a vegetarian and drive a Hummer and you’re still more eco-friendly than a meat-eater on a bicycle,” he says in a statement which is so clever it must have come from a PR person who just had steak for lunch.

Ah, but wait. There’s a snag for Mr Bisshop and his mates.

(Memo to self: Grab a couple of kilos of snags when you’re at the butcher. Those nice beef curry ones if he’s got them.)

You see, I have pinpointed a fatal flaw in this mob’s argument.

If, as they say, our bovine population is an environmental catastrophe, then the fewer cows we have on this planet, the better it will be for Mother Nature.

And what’s the best way to reduce the cow population?

Eat them, of course!

So, rather than causing a problem, every time me and my meat-loving friends throw a slab of meat onto a hotplate, we are actually helping the environment.

So it seems to me, the answer to a greener future is simple.

Get all your mates, grab as much meat as you can carry and come round home for a barbie.

We’ll give the event some fancy name, have a celebrity spokesperson and before you know it we’ll have wiped that superior smirk off the faces of the world’s cattle.

I reckon if we can keep it up for a few years, the planet will be just about saved.

At this rate I’ll be up for an OAM for services to the environment ... after the diet, of course.