I spend a lot of my life looking over my shoulder. I’m not paranoid – I just know there are people out to get me.

It’s the price you pay for writing a hard-hitting column that dares to tackle the big issues.

I’ve been looking over my shoulder a lot since last week’s column on men’s rules.

You didn’t read it, did you?

I don’t know why I bother.

It’s not footy season, is it?

Surely you could have set aside a few minutes.

No?

All right. I’ll explain it slowly so no one gets left behind.

My column last week was about the fact that women always seem to be making the rules and presented a set of regulations from the male perspective.

For example, if you want the toilet seat down then put it down yourself. Why should we have to do it for you?

If you have to ask us if an outfit makes you look fat, then it probably does.

All good, clean fun and despite warnings from my wife, I didn’t die in a hail of bullets as I emerged from my local Male Chauvinist Pig Society meeting.

In fact, the whole thing created little more than a whimper among readers, which leads me to think there are two possible explanations:

1. No one cares.

2. No one reads my column.

I really have to believe the first because I don’t know if my delicate ego could handle the second.

But I did get a response late in the week from a bloke who thought we should all be enlightened on the words women use and what they actually mean.

So, at the risk of personal injury, here we go.

Fellas, hands up if your other half has ever ended an argument the word “fine”.

Okay, now leave your hand up if you tried to continue the fight.

All right, you blokes in the neck braces had better listen real close.

The word “fine”, when used by a woman involved in a disagreement, is not an indication that everything is good.

Nor is it an invitation to continue with the debate.

“Fine” actually means “if you don’t stop talking now there will be physical violence” – end of argument.

Are you getting the hang of it?

Try this one – “Nothing”.

Any experienced man will tell you this means “something” and is the calm before the storm.

Be on your toes because arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in "fine".

In a similar vein, “go ahead” should not be seen as permission to do something.

It is actually a dare.

Whatever it is, don’t do it!

Also, don’t be confused by use of the word “thanks”.

While this may be a woman thanking you (in which case just say “you’re welcome” and run away), it should not be confused with “thanks a lot", which is actually pure sarcasm.

Responding with "you’re welcome" will bring on a "whatever" which is a very dangerous place for you to be.

Just as dangerous is “don’t worry about it, I got it”, which usually means a woman has told you to do something several times but is now doing it herself.

This will often result in a man asking "what’s wrong?" to which the response is usually “nothing”, which inevitably leads to an argument ending in “fine”.

There you go.

If you’re smart, you’ll cut this column out and put it somewhere for easy reference.

Not on the fridge, you idiot! She’ll find it there, for sure!

Stick it away in your sock drawer or your wallet – just make sure you can get it out in an emergency.

The last bloke who ignored this warning was from England and while I can’t be certain, I think he might be the poor sod who’s just seen his wife jailed for 30 years because she tried to kill him by lacing his food with anti-freeze.

He thought she was just a lousy cook and didn’t want to say anything but now she’s in jail and he’s been left blind, partially deaf and suffering kidney failure after being in a coma for 16 weeks.

True story!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.